I don’t know why I am writing this. I tried to do it yesterday but I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop feeling hurt and inadequate. The insecurities and doubts came back and riddled me with fear, anger and hopelessness. The darkness loomed in my mind but in my heart – oh! deep in my heart there is no room for it, only light. So last night there was a war in my soul that raged into the morning but the light in my heart proved itself victorious.
Let me just say this: PRAYER CHANGES THINGS. Add-on and repeat CONTINUAL PRAYER CHANGES THINGS! I knew what I was feeling. I knew that I didnt want to feel that way. I know I have to change my thinking and it is hard. It is hard to get over love, hard to accept things that you dont want to. A past of rejections told me im not worthy or pretty or capable of something meaningful. So one more time I’ll say PRAYER CHANGES THINGS! It was hard. Everytime I felt those thoughts coming I prayed and I cried. I danced and I prayed. Felt like I even prayed in my sleep. So today came and I realize I am strong enough to say this now. Who knows? Perhaps this is for you, maybe for someone you know or maybe it is still for me as a part of my healing process in order to truly accept the new love in my life.
SO HERES A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW:
The man I loved, despite his use of the words, never loved me. Ofcourse in the beginning everything was good and I wanted to continue believing things were. Dear self, I’m sorry for making you do that. I was too enthralled in wanting a relationship that I couldnt see it wasnt good anymore.
4 years past and the bomb dropped. I found out he had a girl that he was actually claiming as his woman (wtf was I then?) so I confronted him about it. I will never forget the night he came over to talk things out. Just as we were making progress, he dropped another bomb. A child. A year old. By another woman that wasnt the gf.( -___- ) So, I wasnt even the backup chick, I was the second backup chick. Devastated, I pulled away from him and started to leave but he grabbed me and said the sincerest words Ive ever heard him say in a way I never heard him speak before. Total Vulnerability:
“Please. Please don’t do that. Don’t leave me too.”
What do I do? I loved. I stayed. I felt needed by the man I care for most, so I listen and then I confided in him too. I tell him a secret I never wanted to tell any man about me.
I tell him about what happened to me, about my surgery and how I might not be able to have kids. None of the five I always wanted. He knew good and damn well I love children, knew how much I want them and how disappointing that news was for me but what does he do? Correction what did I let him do? Fuck me. Raw. Every time we got together it was: “you cant get pregnant right?” or ” You sure because I don’t want no more kids” or ” Are you ok? You still cant have kids right?”
The last time I talked to him was on his birthday, same thing, just finished having sex he goes into the shower. This night however his phone rings, he thinks its his alarm so he tells me to stop it. Well it wasn’t his alarm it was some chick apologizing for not being there for him tonight, saying she will make it up to him later because she knew how much he really wanted to spend his day with her. So of course I read the previous text messages to see what was going on when it hit me like a ton of bricks. 6 years later and I am still second to the backup. I was his safe hoe. The love crazy female that will do whatever to please him, but could never do so. The girl he can sleep with over and over and never have to worry about another slip up oops I mean kid. He only wanted me around for sex because he knew I couldn’t have children. He took my most hurtful secret and used it for his pleasure. No apologies or remorse at all for my feelings or time wasted. No compassion for my intimate fears. Dude, that was was a hard pill to swallow. But I did. I left while he was still in the shower and never looked back.
I pray it doesn’t take you 6 years to realize something like this either. I pray you strength to love yourself and know its ok to be alone. It doesn’t mean you’re lonely it means you know your worth doesn’t come from anyone but you. I let this happen for so long that I actually started to believe I will never have kids. I know now the Lord love me enough to not let Martin impregnate me. oh did I say his name? silly me.. 🙂 Now I believe with my whole heart that I can have kids. I will never stop believing that. I believe GOD has someone special just for me. that someone special is going to be one lucky bastard because I am praying. I am healing and I am loving.