All of the lights

 

It’s December 17th.  Are you in the holiday spirit yet?

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No. It is a no for me. Holidays for me will always mean “family” and here in California I don’t have family,  no Mom, Dad, Kai or Dria; just me so no.  I’m not in the holiday spirit. However, this week I am in a familial reminiscent spirit, a nostalgic spirit, I’m in a promising uplifted spirit.

Earlier this week, I was invited to see the Christmas Lights in Torrance and my eyes light up. I was gushing over the neighborhood, the contrasts and complexities of the homes, the familiar feels and landscapes more than their Christmas lights display. It took me back to going to open houses with my parents and listen to my mom describe her perfect house and the qualities shes loves and look out for. I began imaging living in those homes, going to Ikea, picking out furniture with my husband. I imagined raising a family there. Torrance will always be one of those cities perfect to retire and raise a family to me. So when he turned to me and ask,” Are you in the holiday spirit, I paused before answering. 

No, but thank you. I needed this.

Same thing a few days later when I was invited to the Nutcracker ballet with friends from church. Even then I was more Bah Humbug! than Happy Holidays. Sitting there in that auditorium during intermission watching the families all I could think about was my love for dance and how my whole family would get dressed up and go to performances and plays. I was thinking forward on being a mom and a wife and being able to take my children to see ballets and piano concerts etc. It restored my need for creative avenues and nostalgic of family time like watching  the Rockettes. I dreamt of future days where it was me zipping up coats and holding hands with my little ones, watching pirouettes and arabesques bring smiles and bright crinkled eyes to their faces. I needed this. This was a wake up call from denial from trying to convince  myself I don’t want children and that I enjoy polyandry. I needed to be reminded of family, to be reminded of what i deserve, the environment  I came from and what I am able to still achieve.Gave me some things to look forward to in the future. I’m thankful for all of the lights that came in forms of suppressed memories to open up my dark heart again. So yes. Now I am in the holiday spirit.

Be Bold, Brave, Blessed,

GOLDEN

 

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