You deserve…. I deserve

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This has been biting at me all weekend.  I knew it was going to happen eventually and I had been putting this off for months and avoided sex for just as long. I knew what I wanted and even though he provided this the most for me it became a matter of gaining the strength to do so and knowing who I want and what I deserve. I had to be honest with myself and end our  3 year on and off sexual relationship. So I’ve been agonizing over this, asking if I made the right decision, mostly because now I am 100% free from guys and there is no cushion or anyone to fall back on

I want a relationship.  A REAL boyfriend, one that leads to marriage and this epiphany requires its’ own blog in itself but B and I knew for years it wasn’t going to happen between us, his parents simply wouldn’t accept me and yet somehow we couldn’t stay away from each other. We had a few issues and fucked up situations in which we were able to talk through and clearly get over but a genuine friendship and respect for one another grew. Right now I have to be firm in this decision. B gets me. He’s the only one that understands me sexually, allows me to try different things and not make me feel slutty for them. We are comfortable around one another and since we are in similar careers at the the moment we vibe on a professional level. I love how he gives as equally as he receives. Yes we actually meet up just to exchange massages with one another sometimes. Where am I going to find someone like that? AND get great cuddles and just lay next to, on top of knowing that the sex will be amazing, not to mention  to be someone I’ve met on Tinder 3 years ago and we still talk? Yes, our relationship is a rare Californian find but at the same time I can’t continue to be disrespectful; to him and more importantly myself.

How rude of me is to string him along for months, making excuses not to have sex just to be cuddled and massaged when I’m lonely. How disrespectful of me to reduce him to a place holder until I can find someone I like. I knew I wanted something serious prior to sending the text, I even knew I didn’t want anything serious with him, how rude of me right? How rude of me to only hold on to someone because I’m afraid I won’t find it anywhere else. I kept lying to myself thinking I’m complacent and happy  when  we both knew I deserve more. I want something real. Someone that isn’t afraid to tell mom/dad/friends about me and doesn’t have to leave at 3am in the morning. He knew it too. and that’s what sucks most of all. Someone knows my worth but still not willing to fight for me; to be constantly told, “oh you’re so cool, chill and real. You deserve, A,B and C but just not by me.” or “One day someone will love you and he would be a lucky man.” Bullshit like that. Makes me wonder if I’m really worth it all or if those are just words used to soften a blow. It can mess with your mind which makes it harder to leave situations. Is better really out there?  and how can I know for sure without completely disconnecting my self from comfort.

So after 3 years I’m admitting it to myself: I am ready for a relationship. I want a friendship that turns into dating that turns into marriage with kids and a life of submission, devotion and raw unfiltered love. I deserve it,  at all cost.

Be Bold, Brave, Blessed,

Golden

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