The last week I’ve been stewing on a long hard truth in all my 29 years in this Earth :
1. I have never been in a long term COMMITTED relationship.
2. I have never been loved
And I have been going through it. I’ve been going to sleep in my favorite heartbreak position I like to call “the armadillo” bawling and wailing so loudly that the cat came in and cuddled with me. This cat does NOT cuddle. Made me cry even more when she was trying to lick my tears that was falling on the sheets. Had me looking for a twin size bed so I can give away my full size. No point in having a big bed with no one to even potentially fill it. Right? It sucked even more when within the last two weeks I’ve had three clients ask the same questions,”How old are you?” “Are you married?” “Do you have boyfriend?” “Any children?” ” Why you no boyfriend?” “Oh you better hurry!”
These little Korean ladies are so adorable but they have no idea I ask myself those same questions daily. Its not like I want to be single its just I don’t know how to be anything else but I want to try and I need to figure it out fast.
I mean I know how it feels to love (Oh boy! don’t I know every emotion with this little word) I know how unrequited love feels. I know how being lied too about being “the ONE” feels . Parents doused us in familial love but to have what they have? To love a man and have it in return wholeheartedly? Nah I don’t know what that feels like. So I was torturing myself thinking, why couldn’t I be loved? , why couldn’t my love be accepted? Sat thinking of all the “promising potentials” and those “could’ve beens” and it was slim, bleak as fuck and extremely difficult to hold back tears.
They say your high school boyfriends don’t really count but in this case it does because it was the first and last time I had some resemblance of a “real” relationship. Even though Dustin was a year younger than me and we went to different schools I would spend time with his mom. I would come over for cooking lessons even when he was in D.C with his dad. We went places together; movies, dinners, even an unsupervised trip to Cedar Point, brought each other gifts, learned and invested in each other interests. It was the good morning calls, late night texts and hand written notes delivered through our mutual friend and our matchmaker Britney. We even had small arguments and “stayed” together even when he told me he would be staying in D.C for the next year only to have him surprise me by coming home for my bday. So this is what a committed relationship was for me all of this from a relationship that didn’t even make it passed the first month of senior year (May – September)
Now I’ve been by someone side for over 3 years thinking I was in a long term relationship but even Martin and I didn’t do the things Dustin and I did and I found out it was never love on his end. He had a girlfriend, baby mama and side pussy all while talks of marrying me. and had the fuckin nerve to beg me back and not to leave him like they did, no. this was definitely not love.
So what is it like to be loved? How can some people so easily fall into long term relationships? It seems some people are never single, they can always find someone to quickly commit to them and only them. How does it feel to know you’re don’t have to be alone, there is someone that you can run to, arms to hold, Someone who calls you to see how YOU are,and how your day is going that wants to learn everything about you? That accepts you and wants to be apart of your good, bad and your crazy. What does it feel like? How lucky are you, how blessed can you be? to have someone fighting for you, willing to endure and change and grow with you? To know their words have meaning. There are actions behind those words. To have constant, hugs, kisses and praises? Someone that has a genuine interest in who you are and what makes you YOU. Makes you smile, cry, angry, happy”etc. Someone that says hey, I like you. I mean I really like you and Everyday I want to hear from or see you. Not get tired or bored with you. Respectful to you and your down times and not run away and always return. Someone that is not ashamed to claim you and call you “his” in front of family, friends and coworkers. I try not to let it get to me but it boggles my mind that there are some really horrible, unattractive and even really shitty people that were able to find someone to love them and adore them.
So I spent my Sunday evening in pain, why not me? What have I done wrong? What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so lonely? Will there ever be anyone for me. Where is he? Let me know so I can be comforted. Who is the one for me? I don’t want to feel this way. I feel like I’m an undeserving person that maybe I hurt someone and this is pay back but I’ve never cheated on anyone. I cant think of anyone I’ve hurt or done wrong. (Speak now or forever hold your peace.) I feel like being in singleness for so long has damaged me. It makes me skeptical and guarded with guys. I’m so use to being alone and doing things on my own that it is hard to let someone do anything for me, including love me. I convinced myself that I’m ok with just me and I’m not. I don’t want to be single. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to rush into romance either. I don’t want to be bitter and push people away from me but I’m tired of opening up and getting hurt. Tired of always being the understanding and loving one. I’m very honest. I can’t help it. Lying is something I’m not good at and most guys say it is what they want but they don’t and on top of that they lie to me. How am I suppose to feel when I’m giving you everything you ask for and in return all I ask for is honesty and genuine affection and I never receive it.
Help me lose my mind. To throw caution to the wind and completely fall for you because you’ve completely falling for me. My mind tells me I’m not able to get out of my singleness and transition into commitment. It tells me love is hard to find and its only going to be worse. My mind wants to give up and believe society is right. so please HELP ME LOSE MY MIND.
So what does it feel like? To be loved and have someone say it is you and everything you do that I want to experience. I really want to know because I’m starting to lose faith and patience. Last year, my parents sent me a card and my mom wrote, “You are so deserving of the love you desperately try to give to others” Instantly I cried. I want to believe so badly that I am as capable to receive as I give. but I digress for there is someone I must address but I leave with a Golden groove. It’s only right that once again on a lonely evening music soothes me.
Like Tyrese sang, ” Oh it feels so good to be in love and have love in return.” Enjoy
Question: Do you think Tyrese was really playing that guitar, or playing like he was playing? 🙂
Be Bold. Brave Blessed,