A Filler

I knew it. I felt it. My intuition is very strong so I asked a few questions. Kept letting the answers reveal past lies, I was calm about it. Was able to get everything I wanted to know and everything I wanted to get off of my chest. No further questions your honor was my response. But still there is a nagging and tugging at my spirit, a flash of heat ran through my body and at first I didn’t want to believe it but now I must.

Feeling betrayed and disrespected again tonight and it angered me. It sadden me. I was  weak. Loneliness crept in and sat on the corner of the couch staring at me like its a crack pipe and I needed to smoke it. I hate this feeling so I searched for a filler. Wanted to drink something but I didn’t want to drink  especially not with this DUI. Wanted sex,  wanted the pain to be fucked away so I texted B. I knew I shouldn’t. I promised myself I deserve and wanted something more. Kept telling myself I dont want to lay with just anyone and that I want something real. Affirming I can go cold turkey. To have patience and not “backslde” but i’m horny af. and he responded  back, shit we’re texting now. but there’s a flood on the freeway so he couldn’t make it anyway. Guess it worked out. Even resorted to downloading Tinder again. It didnt even last 2hours. Deleted it.  I gotta be strong but it’s so hard. So what’s a filler for sex and alcohol?

synsoul

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