Oh the feels. Before this song became the smash it was destined to be, a year and a half earlier it was helping me to understand and express my feelings about you. It was helping me pack my clothes and sending me to California. It was giving me life and keeping me inspired. It was assisting me in love and never giving up on it. See I knew it then as I know it now. I latched on to you. and to be honest you know you’ve latched on to me whether you wanted to or not. Knowing it was never your intention it happened. In December you made a confession and asked me a question. Now it is my turn. Please forgive me but since this is truly the end of us then I can’t afford to hold anything back.
You had me in ways no other man had me. I dont think any guy can say I’d submit to him the ways I would submit to you. From the day we watched Black Swan where I made you feel the way you made me felt, to the day you cooked for me to the day in the shower you made me yours. You owned me and I am not ashamed. I made it clear. Wo An Ni. I LOVE YOU simply put but don’t ask me how I feel about you ever again. My answer wont be the same it will be just as honest but it wont be the same response. How I felt two weeks ago is completely different than how I feel now. Now I am angry. More angry than hurt. Anger has never been my best look and I hate to feel this way but it is all your fault. I am blaming your for this anger because I really have no idea how to release it. When I left for California it was because of you. Because you were back In China and because I had absolutely no reason to stay in Michigan. No good memories. They left when you left. It took me some months maybe 12 but I came to terms with your departure and your silence but I still love you for reasons you will soon know. Then December 2013 happen and I found out you were back in the states. Not in Michigan but here in California. It is easy loving you from a far but why did you have to move so close? Why did you contact me only to hurt and anger me again. I was happy and content thinking you were away and then you dropped the bomb on me.
You made me think I was just fun and a secret to you but then you told me that you asked your parents about me. Of course they told you no to black women and even said that I was too old for you but it made me feel good inside anyway knowing that you even mentioned me to them. It made me think that maybe I did mean more to you. When you told me that you tried dating other girls and it didn’t work because they weren’t me or as passionate as me, that you kept thinking about me that you miss me and worry if you’ll ever feel the same way I made you feel how can my original feelings not come back?
What did you expect my reaction to be? What did you want me to say or expect to hear? Or was it all just loneliness talking? See it confuses me and that confusion turned to frustration and that frustration turned to anger. You said you don’t want to hurt me and you don’t want to feel like an asshole but it is too late. You ARE an asshole and I never thought of you that way before until two weeks ago. You told me to come to you in San Jose and without hesitation I was willing and ready. Any hesitation that you had should’ve been addressed before the weeks prior and not the day of. Could you imagine, did you even think of how that made me feel and just hours before heading to the bus station? It fucked with my self esteem thoroughly.
Yooooo. Then you insulted me with trying to buy me a gift. What the fuck is a gift gonna do but make me feel worst? I don’t want anything from you. I never did but just to hear you say you love me, to know you love me against all odds. Would you forsake your parents if you knew that you’d never have to worry about anything else in life. Could you trust me enough as I trusted you to the point that you know I would do any and everything within my power to make you happy?
Yes it is a little bit of fear talking but I am scared. Scared that my passion, my fire and my love will die and I will never find anyone that gave me so much life as you did. and for once I am going to be selfish and say if I am who you truly wanted, then you should’ve fought for me. Please don’t deny my feelings and affections for you. Don’t reject the feelings you said you wanted in order to make someone else happy. If I could’ve made you happy then you should’ve let me regardless of what anyone else thought. but because you didn’t, then understand we have nothing else to say to each other. I don’t want to be bitter and upset so I’m going to work on that everyday but you made a fool of me.
You never should’ve contacted me. We should’ve just got everything off of chest in December and agreed that it was best to let go of all contact. But to open up healed wounds only to cut deeper is unforgivable. IT IS FUCKIN’ UNFORGIVABLE but because of what you’ve done for me at one of the absolutely lowest points in my life I am eternally grateful for you. You were the muse that kept me going strong for the Black woman, Asian male community all these years and I fear that you will continue to be, simply because I’ve latched on to you and I still don’t know what you gift me that made my heart beat out my chest, Chenxiao.