The Holtzclaw reality

No means no unless you’re a black woman. You are not allowed to explore your sexuality freely and still ask for respect because you are a whore, easy to score, and made yourself an open invite to be raped. but it isn’t rape. Nope,  you’ve asked for it, you’ve begged for it because you do not have a say in your matter. Society does. And Society says that as a black woman, you have no sexual rights. You and your body is an experiment for everyone to hypothesize over, everyone but you. And society has determined you are an extreme sex-driven creature whose desires are not limited to verbal consent. Your presence, appearance and body gives unsolicited approval. Sex is the only thing we have to offer, we crave it, need it and exude it even when we are fully covered like Eskimos. So why should we say no? Why would  we say no? How can we act dignified when we have no real worth? How dare us?   Society tells us, no one will believe us when we say we’ve been sexually offended in anyway because it is all that we have of “value” and we are probably lying.  This is the lesson I’ve been refusing to acknowledge until now. 

If you live under a rock or under the shield of ignorance you can read about the trial and sentencing here. Let me sum it up for you: A former Oklahomian half white and half Japanese cop raped and sexually assaulted 13 black women while on duty and for some reason there is debate as to if he is a rapist or being framed by random women with an agenda AND if should be punished or not. This face is priceless. I enjoy this almost as much as he enjoyed screwing over black women  those crocodile, bumbling tears will get no sympathy or academy award from me because the truth of the matter is, he never thought he would be sentenced so severely or sentenced at all because his victims were black women.

dh

This case hits home on so many levels: from being an advocate of black women and Asian male relationships, from  police sexual assault and just because  I am a black woman, who has been held at a gun point to suck a dick. I’m no journalist so don’t expect a politically correct, well written article. No. Expect an invitation to reflect and discuss the cold hard truth from my reality.

Rewind two weeks ago: After talking to a guy for some time and hanging out face to face twice I invited him over not for Netflix and chill but for a clear Ninja Assassin and popcorn movie night. I thought I made that very clear but how did he take it? As an invitation to sex. You just want to watch Raizo fight with the Ozunu clan and he wants to rub on titties. I moved his hand away and instead he grabs my hand and places it on his crouch asking me to feel it. I pull away and he grabs it again and holds it there. Pulls his dick out and luckily my cat Minx was in his face but he grabs her and throws her off the couch.  (my reaction to that  is a different story) I used her distraction to adjust my position on the couch and said to him to calmly and sternly,”I just wanted to watch Ninja Assassin and eat popcorn. That’s it, nothing more.” He persisted. When I repeatedly said no sex, that my roommate was there and that I was going to start my period soon so I had a tampon in, it wasn’t enough.  They were seen as excuses. Excuses he didn’t believe, therefore for the first time in a long time I had to fight a guy off of me. I was surprised by my own strength. From trying to pin my arms behind me to even digging in my vaginal area trying to pull the tampon out. (His words were “Move, let me see”) I flashed back to JayR.(see below) We wrestled for about 7 minutes before my roommate came out to do something in the kitchen. He finally gave up and left, saying you really don’t want to have sex with me?  As if I was the problem because when you’re a black woman that likes Asian guys it’s preposterous to tell one no.

Rewind to 2008: I’ve told this before but it is still relevant because rape isn’t always with a stranger. There is rape within relationships. I’ll never forget when my boyfriend at the time JayR  gave me two options: suck his dick or die. I smacked the gun out of my face because I thought he was playing but he brought it back up quickly and threw me on the bed. He dugged his nails into the flesh of pussy as I tried to get up. He dug deeper as tears steamed down my face and twisted the skin until I relented. I can remember how he laughed and smiled as I squirmed underneath his pain. Mad crazy how two years later when I ran into him again, there was no apology just his reasoning that he was young then so I should let it go. Because as a black woman in a relationship sex should be given without protest and when it isn’t, to take it isn’t considered rape. You’re that man’s property and should let it go 😦

Rewind to about 2006- 2009: when I was a hot ass mess dealing with the wrong people and getting into trouble for the littlest stupidest things, like being in a park after hours so the cops asks you for sexual favors to avoid being ticketed. Although, I was sitting in a car listening to music with a guy friend, the cop assumed we were about to or had already had sex. I overheard him asking D, “How was it?” He even asked me if he could sample what he assumed I gave D. Yea that shit is real and in the DPD it is even joked about.  I asked for the ticket, letting the cop know my dad works at the precinct it was assigned to.  He asked for my last name again, gave me the ticket,  showed up to the hearing and dismissed it. The cop asked for a hug and on the way out the door even the judge said, “Woah, woah woah, not in here,  wait until you get outside” They both laughed and only  because my dad was outside waiting did I give the officer a hug and my thanks. I don’t think my dad realized how much his job really saved me in many ways. If he wasn’t an employee I’m pretty sure I’ve would’ve been an embarrassing episode of Cops Gone Wild. Lucky me but  I can only imagine how many other women that cop who ticketed me gave that offer too. He was young, handsome and had power to give a complete innocent person a record. Just like Daniel Holtzclaw.

Whether by a Black man, Asian man or police officer the truth is the rape and sexual assault of black women happens, a lot more than we know or like to think it does. This is just three cases in my life and I’m only 28. Not many people knew about these events and when I have told I didn’t receive the best responses or encouraging words. It’s never ok to say you gotta be careful before you ask are you okay? It’s not cool to find out what you’ve told someone in privacy been told to others. It’s definitely not cool to tell someone to just get over it or forget about it. No comments about how they’re dressed or look, those things shouldn’t even  matter. I am a lot stronger than I think but there are females who aren’t as strong as I am. Women who might have considered suicide or harboring mental illnesses from incidents like these.  Our reactions to claims from black women needs to change. We are not crying wolf. We are victims and should be treated as such. We required empathy and support. We need to be able to know we can come forward and talk about these issues without judgement, disbelief and side eyes. It isn’t gossip or news of the week. It should not be taken lightly or ignored. It took me a long time to admit these things because I pushed them out of my mind but I shouldn’t had too A case like this shouldn’t have happen in order for me to feel so much compassion. I should’ve been advocating for black women bodies a lot sooner. I am hoping that this case and his sentence is an eye opener to America and an eye softener to the (mis)treatment of black women.

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One comment

  1. I had to get on my laptop to make this comment btw. I really enjoyed this post.
    It’s fucked up that this is how society feels, and how men feel in general. If it’s a woman of color, she can be touched in any way, shape or form, there are certain stereotypes about sexuality (being a black woman with island roots..the shit I hear on a fucking weekly basis sickens me), and for some odd reason, men think it’s okay to just touch because it’s cool! You wanted this!
    Let me tell you something you sack of shit, I do not enjoy your advances, and I do not want you. No means fucking no! I’m so glad that guy didn’t pull the trigger on you. I had a friend who got raped by gunpoint, and there were a few instances in my life that fucked me up.
    I can relate to that DPD story, because yes they always have something to say, and that “can I get a hug mess” is really played out. No you can’t get in my personal space.
    There was one particular instance where this older man at my one job obviously had a thing for me. I am a polite and professional person, so I turned down his advances, and even told him how I don’t mix work and relationships. I was working alone one day and of course, as old Detroit men do, he asks “can I get a hug?” Tried to give him a church pat so he could leave me alone, and this fool tries to kiss me on my neck. Girl, I went off, and do you know this fool had the absolute nerve to say “most women would like being greeted like that?”
    Told my Puerto Rican coworker and she says to me “well, you lead him on, that’s your fault.” So here’s the problem: Women need to stop teaching their sons that this behavior is okay, and men need to know that women are not objects that you can just place your dick in. It’s called a pocket pussy, and they’re easy to obtain.
    At any rate, fuck this cop and I hope his life sentence is beyond hellish. He’ll be wishing for his next life to come sooner than later.

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