Irrevocably broken

I can’t. I’m not even going to try.  I’m 100% going through it. I am hurt. I am broken. shattered to pieces. I don’t know to feel. I thought I had experience all kinds of hurt this year but this … It’s like a game of UNO and my opponent has  every draw 4, wild, skip you and reverse card. You hurt me. you hurt me. you hurt me you hurt me. is there is no brisket, no sauna, no arms to run to, no prayer, no sorrys, no songs to dance to that can help me. heal me. every fiber in my bone loves you. that was never a secret, you knew that. you knew 3 years ago, 5 months ago when you asked how I felt if you were to appear before me, you knew in august when you said you’ll feel  like you’ll be alone forever and if probably would never leave if you can back to cali with me. you knew it 2 months ago when you asked for my address to visit and you certainly knew it a month ago when you texted and checked in on me when I told i was trying to let you go. I told you if you were not married or dating  to come to me and let me love you completely. that was your chance.

 A month ago. That was your motherfuckin’ chance. and I was doing good but my heart still pulls to you so I texted you and your wife answered. she  says you’ve been married for a month. A month though? Was this before or after I told you how I felt. She asked me how do I know her husband. I died. I fuckin died. she shot me. kept shooting with those words, “wife” and “my husband” and I couldn’t believe it but my dumbass still loves you. So I told her I was an old friend from Michigan and that she didn’t have to worry about me. I played myself again for your happiness, for my love for you. because I didn’t want her yelling and screaming at you. I didn’t want to cause trouble or drama in your life but what about me? It was exactly a month ago when we had our conversation. you knew about martin. you knew about Phillip. You knew how I was hurt and didn’t want to be hurt but you did it anyway. Why didn’t you tell me?  Why couldn’t you tell me. that is all that you had to do. I gave you the chance to tell me. There is no excuse. this is unforgiveable. I can’t. I really can’t. I balled myself up into an armadillo last night. I rocked, I cried, I screamed, I shooked feverishly. I felt possessed. I couldn’t sleep. I don’t understand, help me understand. Please  help me understand… was my love not strong enough for you? Why wasn’t it good enough for you? What didn’t I do? Didn’t you atleast respect me enough to tell me the truth; to tell me to stop loving you?

There is no one. no one else who I can love the way I love you and I don’t want to. I hated myself, I beat myself up. Who is she? Why her? w Where did she come from? she will never love you like I do. she will never know you like I do.  I can guarantee that 100% i’m sure of that 1000%. I always put your happiness first. always. even when I got pregnant you were the second person I called after the “father”. I told you as soon as I knew. I told you as soon as I had a miscarriage. I was always opened and upfront and honest with you. even when you were mad and angry with me but I love you and I shouldn’t have to lie or hide anything from you why couldn’t you o the same to me. you didn’t think this would hurt me? I don’t want to give up but you were my last hope for love. period.  you could’ve told me to stop loving you and I would’ve because that’s what you wanted and it would’ve made you happy. what about me? seriously, this is worst than when we were in Michigan. This is worst than you leaving for china, worst than you fucking white women. Worst than anything I have ever felt. and I can’t deal with this. my soul. my spirit. I ‘m crushed.and I still feel bad, I still worry about you I still worry if she told you or asked you about me. I worried if she got mad and did something to hurt you.

why does this hurt soooooooo bad? I tried so hard. I got up early went to work and tried to run errands. almost died cuz there’s no windshield wipers for tears but I don’t want to be alone. I can’t be home by myself. but I don’t want to be near anyone either. there is nothing for this pain. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t deserve it, not to find out like this, from her and having to play myself and who I am for your sake. it isn’t fair. it is not fair. I love you. I loved you, in every sense of the word. you can’t deny that. that gave of myself freely and willing to move moountains for you. willing to hop on buses and planes to see you.Why couldn’t you just be honest with me? Did I hurt you? What did I do that you couldn’t give me the only things I ever asked for, honesty.  please help me understand. i’m scared. I never wanted to give up on love, you were always the picture of it in my mind and now I feel so alone in the world. no hope to give love to anyone with the passion and fire I have for you.  I just want to stop crying. I want answers. I want truth but I don’t want to be angry and hurt. I don’t want to give up and stop believing in love. that I can give it and receive it. that I am worthy of it and deserve it. I feel numb. but I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be mean and hard. but this just hurts way too much……….. irrevocably broken


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