Fool for You

 

“Because I played the fool for ya, because I played the fool for you.” – Disclosure F for You

Chenxiao wedding

When you sent me this picture. I died. an instant knife in the chest. I cried because I didn’t want to ask but I couldn’t NOT ask,

“Was this from your wedding?”

I wanted to hate you, and forget you even existed in my life but no matter how much I’d like to think my heartache is all your fault. I can’t. I wouldn’t be honest and that’s something I don’t want anyone to say about me. That I wasn’t honest. So yes, I’ve played the fool for you but worst than you, I played myself. You were the lesson I needed. 

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But for some reason, we just can’t seem to shake each other and let go. We ‘re Latched to each other

So a month ago we met again. I learned of your mother’s death and I yearned to hold you because I knew from the heart wrenching time in San Jose you weren’t being consoled properly and I was right. In fact your wife was going away for three weeks because of what you called, “a fight over something silly.”  Tbh I chuckled inside and said to myself, “See, this wouldn’t be had you chosen me.”  See I still LOVED you, yet I was happy that you were unhappy, happy your mom was gone and now she was out of the way thought if there was a chance you say fucked this marriage and choose me. After a few back and forth messages you asked to see me, of course I said yes, I didn’t think that you would given that I’ve been stood up by you before but YOU DID.   You got off work drove those 6 hours to spend the night with me. It let me know that you DO care and you DO have feelings for me but still I, you, we wouldn’t act on it. We promised each other that we wouldn’t have sex anymore  after San Jose and we didn’t. A part of me wanted to and another part was like nah but then again GOD sent a, another visitor that weekend as well to ensure nothing happened but something did happen. Another lesson I needed to learn:

 You can be married and still lonely. Married and unhappy.

 Here I was envious of your wife. Always wondering who is she, why her, why not me and if she even knew the man she has the pleasure of being with but she doesn’t and my insecurities were for nothing.  She doesn’t love you, she will never love you and yet you will never leave.  It broke my heart the way you held me and didn’t want to let go. Pained me to know you have a wife that doesn’t cuddle or spoon with you. How can you lay down and live with someone that you haven’t touched in months? A simple goodbye kiss and sincere hug made you feel something you’ve never felt before. What does it do for you, how does it help you, to grow to live to be happy? Is that not important to you to be used for stability and not for passion or creativity or inspiration? I promised myself that I won’t end up like you. I have to married for love and not for loneliness.  And as we laid in my bed hands held, facing each other I realized I love you but I don’t, not a forever together type of love. Oh I have so much love for you but I will not give up my happiness for family. for money for whatever possessed you to say yes to something that everything else in your being has told you no to. You made me ok living without you, even though I probably wont..  Fool for ya. Fooled myself. Marriage isn’t everything, my happiness and freedom is.

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