My Colored Heart

“Give me something to believe in because I don’t believe in you (bwam) anymore” – Maroon 5 Makes me wonder

If you had been following my escapades then you know it’s been pretty non-existent lol. I haven’t blogged in a while. I took a huge L my birthday weekend in San Jose back in August and been taking little L’s in the dating department since then. I’ve even fucked up and contacted HIM (Chenxiao) twice. Nothing scandalous. Just a, “hey-how-are-things?” kinda text, only to realize we still think about each other. ALOT . But I need NOT to. I needed something to keep my heart from feeling red (angry), blue (sad) and black (apathy/heartless) because lately I’ve been fed up with Asian men.

A little louder, “Give me something to believe in because I don’t believe in you (bwam) anymore”

I had just about given up; on Asian men, the BW/AM community and blogging for the “Honey Love” until two months ago when I happened to be instragramming and found this.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BP8ogI5A9EU/?taken-by=golden_sunrays

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Colored Hearts is a romantic drama about a young interracial couple’s struggle to stay together while facing the challenges of stereotypes and opposition from family and friends.  Written and directed by Robin Johnson (co-director; Somlit Inthalangsy) , who also stars as the leading lady with co-star Kane Lieu as the leading male, Colored Hearts premiered at the Los Angeles Asian Pacific Film Festival this past weekend.

Check out the trailer

Had I found out about this sooner I definitely would’ve tried to make my way on set even if I had to stand outside and give massages to cast and crew just to show my appreciation. But I didn’t,  so I missed production, post production and even the premiere but I did NOT miss the screening Monday so before I get into that, can we talk about the dopeness of all of this right now?

Yes, yes ya’ll this is A Black woman and Asian male as the the main characters film; Not friends of the main characters, not extras, not crime fighting sidekicks but the main characters AND as love interests. Written by a black woman with a personal experience that I could definitely relate to from the past 3-4 years of my life #nextblogpost  #sneakpeak)  ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓

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lol Let’s continue. The fact it premiered at an Asian Film Festival, says alot. Bringing awareness and opening conversations about black women and interracial dating not just within the black community (which is another dissertation in itself) but to bring that conversation and how it is dealt with and viewed in other communities as well?! Yes! Can you hear the tears welling up in my eyes?

thankyou

This is what I needed to see.  So here I am Monday evening:

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In the back of my Uber Roberto fucking up and got on the wrong freeway smh but I wont let it fuck up my night. There is someplace I need to be tonight. There is something I have to see so Im going. Im scared but Im going. Im nervous but Im going. Im solo but Im going. #ambw #thegreatcompany #coloredhearts blogging will commence soon

At the ‘We Own the 8th’s’ screening  I sat in the back because I know me, I’m emo with a smart ass mouth. I will cry and get mad at the truth at the same time. I was here to erase the hate forming in my heart, to replace it with only one color, Gold. And in less than 10 minutes of viewing Colored Hearts my heart wounds were opening up again yet rejoicing. How great it felt to see my story (or one like it rather) on a screen bigger than my blog. It was more than just  me with my homegirls sharing our experiences over KBBQ. It became more than just a BW/AM thing. It was the years of pain, stereotypes, rejections, mental anguish, comments and judgements from Asian parents, from black men and women, friends, families and strangers being exposed and expressed without me having to say a damn word. The accuracy was on point for real, like emphasis being put on the word “black” before every mention of my being. Things I’m sure most women in the AMBW groups wanted to say but were too afraid to say outside of their clique. I needed this film for my reality sake, except for me, my guy wasn’t engaged, he was married and not even a month after my ultimatum, and it was me on the other side of the door showing up to declare my love. It didn’t open to welcome my love either. Instead I was given the weakest comfort ever via text,capture_2016-08-18-09-07-53.png.pngMy intention was to watch the film and then head home but I stayed and glad that I did. I stayed to the very end and in the end, I was refreshed, inspired and ready to roll up my sleeves and give BW/AM another chance. People trust me when I say,  Colored Hearts is for you.


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This is for you.

Because Brandy’s Cinderella wasn’t enough.

 

 

 

 

 


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For those Romeo Must Die, Jet Li and Aaliyah  fans that wanted more than that weak ass hug at the end.

This is for you.

 

 

 

 


For those Ninja Assassin lovers like myself (it’s my absolute favorite movie) that get a lil heated when Raizo teases,

“Oh Mika, Mika” and needed them to fall in love. 

This is for you.


For those “Rocketeers ” (that’s what I call myself lol)  that shed a tear every time you hear FarEastMovement’s Rockeeter  and plays the video in your head.

This is for you.

This is for you.

This is the alternative ending you wanted. The one you’ve been asking for

Like, Share and support Colored Hearts.

*And I sincerely pray to all the Chenxiao’s of the world that when you watch this film you’ll feel empowered, fearless and inspired. I hope that you see that you are not alone. I wish that you will become courageous enough to endure for your love and try to understand how the woman feels as well. Trust me, if you are genuine and sincere and willing to fight for her, she will move mountains, wrestle lions and jump out of planes for you. Well atleast I would. I damn near did it for 3 years. Fight. Please. Fight for all the colors of your heart.

With my deepest appreciation and sunrays, 

Golden

*Thank you Robin and everyone that had even a pinky finger in bringing this vision to life.

Fool for You

Marriage isn’t everything, my happiness and freedom is.

 

“Because I played the fool for ya, because I played the fool for you.” – Disclosure F for You

Chenxiao wedding

When you sent me this picture. I died. an instant knife in the chest. I cried because I didn’t want to ask but I couldn’t NOT ask,

“Was this from your wedding?”

I wanted to hate you, and forget you even existed in my life but no matter how much I’d like to think my heartache is all your fault. I can’t. I wouldn’t be honest and that’s something I don’t want anyone to say about me. That I wasn’t honest. So yes, I’ve played the fool for you but worst than you, I played myself. You were the lesson I needed. 

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But for some reason, we just can’t seem to shake each other and let go. We ‘re Latched to each other

So a month ago we met again. I learned of your mother’s death and I yearned to hold you because I knew from the heart wrenching time in San Jose you weren’t being consoled properly and I was right. In fact your wife was going away for three weeks because of what you called, “a fight over something silly.”  Tbh I chuckled inside and said to myself, “See, this wouldn’t be had you chosen me.”  See I still LOVED you, yet I was happy that you were unhappy, happy your mom was gone and now she was out of the way thought if there was a chance you say fucked this marriage and choose me. After a few back and forth messages you asked to see me, of course I said yes, I didn’t think that you would given that I’ve been stood up by you before but YOU DID.   You got off work drove those 6 hours to spend the night with me. It let me know that you DO care and you DO have feelings for me but still I, you, we wouldn’t act on it. We promised each other that we wouldn’t have sex anymore  after San Jose and we didn’t. A part of me wanted to and another part was like nah but then again GOD sent a, another visitor that weekend as well to ensure nothing happened but something did happen. Another lesson I needed to learn:

 You can be married and still lonely. Married and unhappy.

 Here I was envious of your wife. Always wondering who is she, why her, why not me and if she even knew the man she has the pleasure of being with but she doesn’t and my insecurities were for nothing.  She doesn’t love you, she will never love you and yet you will never leave.  It broke my heart the way you held me and didn’t want to let go. Pained me to know you have a wife that doesn’t cuddle or spoon with you. How can you lay down and live with someone that you haven’t touched in months? A simple goodbye kiss and sincere hug made you feel something you’ve never felt before. What does it do for you, how does it help you, to grow to live to be happy? Is that not important to you to be used for stability and not for passion or creativity or inspiration? I promised myself that I won’t end up like you. I have to married for love and not for loneliness.  And as we laid in my bed hands held, facing each other I realized I love you but I don’t, not a forever together type of love. Oh I have so much love for you but I will not give up my happiness for family. for money for whatever possessed you to say yes to something that everything else in your being has told you no to. You made me ok living without you, even though I probably wont..  Fool for ya. Fooled myself. Marriage isn’t everything, my happiness and freedom is.

Irrevocably broken

I can’t. I’m not even going to try.  I’m 100% going through it. I am hurt. I am broken. shattered to pieces. I don’t know to feel. I thought I had experience all kinds of hurt this year but this … It’s like a game of UNO and my opponent has  every draw 4, wild, skip you and reverse card. You hurt me. you hurt me. you hurt me you hurt me. is there is no brisket, no sauna, no arms to run to, no prayer, no sorrys, no songs to dance to that can help me. heal me. every fiber in my bone loves you. that was never a secret, you knew that. you knew 3 years ago, 5 months ago when you asked how I felt if you were to appear before me, you knew in august when you said you’ll feel  like you’ll be alone forever and if probably would never leave if you can back to cali with me. you knew it 2 months ago when you asked for my address to visit and you certainly knew it a month ago when you texted and checked in on me when I told i was trying to let you go. I told you if you were not married or dating  to come to me and let me love you completely. that was your chance.

 A month ago. That was your motherfuckin’ chance. and I was doing good but my heart still pulls to you so I texted you and your wife answered. she  says you’ve been married for a month. A month though? Was this before or after I told you how I felt. She asked me how do I know her husband. I died. I fuckin died. she shot me. kept shooting with those words, “wife” and “my husband” and I couldn’t believe it but my dumbass still loves you. So I told her I was an old friend from Michigan and that she didn’t have to worry about me. I played myself again for your happiness, for my love for you. because I didn’t want her yelling and screaming at you. I didn’t want to cause trouble or drama in your life but what about me? It was exactly a month ago when we had our conversation. you knew about martin. you knew about Phillip. You knew how I was hurt and didn’t want to be hurt but you did it anyway. Why didn’t you tell me?  Why couldn’t you tell me. that is all that you had to do. I gave you the chance to tell me. There is no excuse. this is unforgiveable. I can’t. I really can’t. I balled myself up into an armadillo last night. I rocked, I cried, I screamed, I shooked feverishly. I felt possessed. I couldn’t sleep. I don’t understand, help me understand. Please  help me understand… was my love not strong enough for you? Why wasn’t it good enough for you? What didn’t I do? Didn’t you atleast respect me enough to tell me the truth; to tell me to stop loving you?

There is no one. no one else who I can love the way I love you and I don’t want to. I hated myself, I beat myself up. Who is she? Why her? w Where did she come from? she will never love you like I do. she will never know you like I do.  I can guarantee that 100% i’m sure of that 1000%. I always put your happiness first. always. even when I got pregnant you were the second person I called after the “father”. I told you as soon as I knew. I told you as soon as I had a miscarriage. I was always opened and upfront and honest with you. even when you were mad and angry with me but I love you and I shouldn’t have to lie or hide anything from you why couldn’t you o the same to me. you didn’t think this would hurt me? I don’t want to give up but you were my last hope for love. period.  you could’ve told me to stop loving you and I would’ve because that’s what you wanted and it would’ve made you happy. what about me? seriously, this is worst than when we were in Michigan. This is worst than you leaving for china, worst than you fucking white women. Worst than anything I have ever felt. and I can’t deal with this. my soul. my spirit. I ‘m crushed.and I still feel bad, I still worry about you I still worry if she told you or asked you about me. I worried if she got mad and did something to hurt you.

why does this hurt soooooooo bad? I tried so hard. I got up early went to work and tried to run errands. almost died cuz there’s no windshield wipers for tears but I don’t want to be alone. I can’t be home by myself. but I don’t want to be near anyone either. there is nothing for this pain. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t deserve it, not to find out like this, from her and having to play myself and who I am for your sake. it isn’t fair. it is not fair. I love you. I loved you, in every sense of the word. you can’t deny that. that gave of myself freely and willing to move moountains for you. willing to hop on buses and planes to see you.Why couldn’t you just be honest with me? Did I hurt you? What did I do that you couldn’t give me the only things I ever asked for, honesty.  please help me understand. i’m scared. I never wanted to give up on love, you were always the picture of it in my mind and now I feel so alone in the world. no hope to give love to anyone with the passion and fire I have for you.  I just want to stop crying. I want answers. I want truth but I don’t want to be angry and hurt. I don’t want to give up and stop believing in love. that I can give it and receive it. that I am worthy of it and deserve it. I feel numb. but I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be mean and hard. but this just hurts way too much……….. irrevocably broken

Latch’d

Before the world latched on to this song I had latched on to you and this song was the music I needed when you left.. originally 09/25/14.

Oh the feels.  Before this song became the smash it was destined to be, a year and a half earlier it was helping me to understand and express my feelings about you.  It was helping me pack my clothes and sending me to California. It was giving me life and keeping me inspired. It was assisting me in love and never giving up on it. See I knew it then as I know it now. I latched on to you. and to be honest you know you’ve latched on to me whether you wanted to or not. Knowing it was never your intention it happened.  In December you made a confession and asked me a question.  Now it is my turn. Please forgive me but since this is  truly the end of us then I can’t afford to hold anything back.

You had me in ways no other man had me. I dont think any guy can say I’d submit to him the ways I would submit to you. From the day we watched Black Swan where I made you feel the way you made me felt, to the day you cooked for  me  to the day in the shower you made me yours. You owned me and I am not ashamed. I made it clear. Wo An Ni. I LOVE YOU  simply put but don’t ask me how I feel about you ever again. My answer wont be the same it will be just as honest but it wont be the same response. How I felt two weeks ago is completely different than how I feel now. Now I am angry. More angry than hurt. Anger has never been my best look and I hate to feel this way but it is all your fault. I am blaming your for this anger because I really have no idea how to release it.  When I left for California it was because of you. Because you were back In China and because I had absolutely no reason to stay in Michigan. No good memories. They left when you left. It took me some months  maybe 12 but I came to terms with your departure and your silence but I still love you for reasons you will soon know. Then December 2013 happen and I found out you were back in the states. Not in Michigan but here in California. It is easy loving you from a far but why did you have to move so close? Why did you contact me only to hurt and anger me again. I was happy and content thinking you were away and then you dropped the bomb on me.

You made me think I was just fun and a secret to you but then you told me that you asked your parents about me. Of course they told you no to black women and even said that I was too old for you but it made me feel good inside anyway knowing that you even mentioned me to them. It made me think that maybe I did mean more to you. When you told me that you tried dating other girls and it didn’t work because they weren’t me or as passionate as me, that you kept thinking about me that you miss me and worry if you’ll ever feel the same way I made you feel how can my original feelings not come back?

What did you expect my reaction to be?  What did you want me to say or expect to hear? Or was it all just loneliness talking? See it confuses me and that confusion turned to frustration and that frustration turned to anger. You said you don’t want to hurt me and you don’t want to feel like an asshole but it is too late.  You ARE an asshole and I never thought of you that way before until two weeks ago. You told me to come to you in San  Jose and without hesitation I was willing and ready. Any hesitation that you had should’ve been addressed before the weeks prior and not the day of. Could you imagine, did you even think of how that made me feel and just hours before heading to the bus station?  It fucked with my self esteem thoroughly.

Yooooo. Then you insulted me with trying to buy me a gift. What the fuck is a gift gonna do but make me feel worst? I don’t want anything from you. I never did but just to hear you say you love me, to know you love me against all odds. Would you forsake your parents if you knew that you’d never have to worry about anything else in life. Could you trust me enough as I trusted you to the point that you know I would do any and everything within my power to make you happy?

Yes it is a little bit of fear talking but I am scared. Scared that my passion, my fire and my love will die and I will never find anyone that gave me so much life as you did. and for once I am going to be selfish and say if I am who you truly wanted, then you should’ve fought for me. Please don’t deny my feelings and affections for you. Don’t reject the feelings you said you wanted in order to make someone else happy. If I could’ve made you happy then you should’ve let me regardless of what anyone else thought. but because you didn’t, then understand we have nothing else to say to each other.  I don’t want to be bitter and  upset so I’m going to work on that everyday but you made a fool of me.

You never should’ve contacted me. We should’ve just got everything off of chest in December and agreed that it was best to let go of all contact. But to open up healed wounds only to cut deeper is unforgivable. IT IS FUCKIN’ UNFORGIVABLE but because of  what you’ve done for me at one of the absolutely lowest points in my life  I am eternally grateful for you. You were the muse that kept me going strong for the Black woman, Asian male community all these years and I fear that you will continue to be, simply because I’ve latched on to you and I still don’t know what you gift me that made my heart beat out my chest, Chenxiao.

PEACE

Where are the voices of the Interracial Lovers?

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                  Interracial couples and bloggers we need you now more than ever. Everyone is coming down from their Loving Day highs but we are still being hit with even higher rates of racial injustice lows. Let’s face it, there is alot of work that needs to be done about racial acceptance and equality. What can we do to help change that? How can we truly celebrate the landmark case that legalize interracial relationships when everyday we blatantly see what was fought for still being attacked and doing nothing about it What are we doing to keep the love going or are we just living in our own interracial love worlds oblivious to what’s going on in the world around us.  While most people in interracial relationships would like to say that they do not see race which is why they are with who they are with, this thinking is damaging because RACE DOES MATTER.  So I am challenging you and asking all those in interracial relationships (not just in relationships with African Americans),  those who have interracial blogs and youtube channels  to do away with that thinking (if you haven’t already) and actually engage in racial debates and thought provoking discussions. Let’s roll up our sleeves and get our hands dirty on topics no one wants to be honest about!  With all these things going on it is hard to think of them as isolated incidents. So I am curious and what to know, how are you feeling? What are your feelings and your opinions about everything? Pick any recent racial incident (there’s so many to choose from ) and blog about how you partner truly feels about what is going on in the America right now. Are they bothered, even slightly? Are you bothered, upset or on edge? Is it a problem if they are not concerned or show a lack of interest? Are you finding it hard to be positive lately? Maybe you even questioned your interracial relationship lately. Can we take a moment from our makeup and boyfriend tags to openly address this? Can we blog and post about the how the current racial tensions effects one another? Have you asked your partner how they feel about the recent racially charged events? Have you observe their behavior whenever these subjects are brought up? How about the reactions of friends and family when your partner is and isn’t around? Does your significant other have their own opinions or are they just, “As long as my partner doesn’t have issues with it then I don’t either.”  Does your partner truly understand or try to empathize with the issues your race face or do they consider you to be the exception and more importantly are you happy to be considered the exception?

As IR couples your thoughts and feeling are very important right now. Speak up. Show everyone why you are with who you are with!  Even though I’m single, I’m still going to say we because I am an interracial dater/blogger. We can be the example to others. We can give our experiences, tear down stereotypes, speak out against the fear being put into society about one another. Sharing our lives and prespectives can help make a difference and gives fresh insight to people on the outside who has no clue but only what the media shows. Your partner may be angered by the police brutalites and church killing, and have thoughts and even fears they want to share. Are you open to listen? Or are you scared what they may say? Do you have questions and frustrations yourself? Have you thought about the future of your children? What you do today will make it better or worse for them in the future.  Are we all Kim K’s and Kanye’s until we have a daughter of our own?  We can not let racial issues be swept under the rug until the we are forced to deal with or because we don’t want to offend someone . Silence does far more damage.

Your silence hurts. Your silence hurts America by continuing to allow ignorance to run rampant unchecked. Ieycontact2t hurts your partner when you don’t stand up for them. I am talking to myself as well because I wrote this piece and failed to do my part but there is no other perfect time than now and I am encouraging all my IR daters and bloggers to use your unique platform to help foster call to actions and positive discussions. Embrace one another even more. Support each other even more. Let’s be understanding of each other and show others there is nothing to fear.  We cannot let the media continue to put a negative depiction into people minds about the ones we love. We have firsthand knowledge that they do not have. Your interracial  relationship is powerful. It is a truth no one wants to admit. There can be harmony and unity across cultures.  it is evidence that we are all equal. It is progress.  America needs to hear your voice. Scream. Shout. Share. Blog, Post. Fight. Live. Love and above all Be Bold, Be Brave, Be Blessed!