Fool for You

Marriage isn’t everything, my happiness and freedom is.

 

“Because I played the fool for ya, because I played the fool for you.” – Disclosure F for You

Chenxiao wedding

When you sent me this picture. I died. an instant knife in the chest. I cried because I didn’t want to ask but I couldn’t NOT ask,

“Was this from your wedding?”

I wanted to hate you, and forget you even existed in my life but no matter how much I’d like to think my heartache is all your fault. I can’t. I wouldn’t be honest and that’s something I don’t want anyone to say about me. That I wasn’t honest. So yes, I’ve played the fool for you but worst than you, I played myself. You were the lesson I needed. 

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But for some reason, we just can’t seem to shake each other and let go. We ‘re Latched to each other

So a month ago we met again. I learned of your mother’s death and I yearned to hold you because I knew from the heart wrenching time in San Jose you weren’t being consoled properly and I was right. In fact your wife was going away for three weeks because of what you called, “a fight over something silly.”  Tbh I chuckled inside and said to myself, “See, this wouldn’t be had you chosen me.”  See I still LOVED you, yet I was happy that you were unhappy, happy your mom was gone and now she was out of the way thought if there was a chance you say fucked this marriage and choose me. After a few back and forth messages you asked to see me, of course I said yes, I didn’t think that you would given that I’ve been stood up by you before but YOU DID.   You got off work drove those 6 hours to spend the night with me. It let me know that you DO care and you DO have feelings for me but still I, you, we wouldn’t act on it. We promised each other that we wouldn’t have sex anymore  after San Jose and we didn’t. A part of me wanted to and another part was like nah but then again GOD sent a, another visitor that weekend as well to ensure nothing happened but something did happen. Another lesson I needed to learn:

 You can be married and still lonely. Married and unhappy.

 Here I was envious of your wife. Always wondering who is she, why her, why not me and if she even knew the man she has the pleasure of being with but she doesn’t and my insecurities were for nothing.  She doesn’t love you, she will never love you and yet you will never leave.  It broke my heart the way you held me and didn’t want to let go. Pained me to know you have a wife that doesn’t cuddle or spoon with you. How can you lay down and live with someone that you haven’t touched in months? A simple goodbye kiss and sincere hug made you feel something you’ve never felt before. What does it do for you, how does it help you, to grow to live to be happy? Is that not important to you to be used for stability and not for passion or creativity or inspiration? I promised myself that I won’t end up like you. I have to married for love and not for loneliness.  And as we laid in my bed hands held, facing each other I realized I love you but I don’t, not a forever together type of love. Oh I have so much love for you but I will not give up my happiness for family. for money for whatever possessed you to say yes to something that everything else in your being has told you no to. You made me ok living without you, even though I probably wont..  Fool for ya. Fooled myself. Marriage isn’t everything, my happiness and freedom is.

Irrevocably broken

I can’t. I’m not even going to try.  I’m 100% going through it. I am hurt. I am broken. shattered to pieces. I don’t know to feel. I thought I had experience all kinds of hurt this year but this … It’s like a game of UNO and my opponent has  every draw 4, wild, skip you and reverse card. You hurt me. you hurt me. you hurt me you hurt me. is there is no brisket, no sauna, no arms to run to, no prayer, no sorrys, no songs to dance to that can help me. heal me. every fiber in my bone loves you. that was never a secret, you knew that. you knew 3 years ago, 5 months ago when you asked how I felt if you were to appear before me, you knew in august when you said you’ll feel  like you’ll be alone forever and if probably would never leave if you can back to cali with me. you knew it 2 months ago when you asked for my address to visit and you certainly knew it a month ago when you texted and checked in on me when I told i was trying to let you go. I told you if you were not married or dating  to come to me and let me love you completely. that was your chance.

 A month ago. That was your motherfuckin’ chance. and I was doing good but my heart still pulls to you so I texted you and your wife answered. she  says you’ve been married for a month. A month though? Was this before or after I told you how I felt. She asked me how do I know her husband. I died. I fuckin died. she shot me. kept shooting with those words, “wife” and “my husband” and I couldn’t believe it but my dumbass still loves you. So I told her I was an old friend from Michigan and that she didn’t have to worry about me. I played myself again for your happiness, for my love for you. because I didn’t want her yelling and screaming at you. I didn’t want to cause trouble or drama in your life but what about me? It was exactly a month ago when we had our conversation. you knew about martin. you knew about Phillip. You knew how I was hurt and didn’t want to be hurt but you did it anyway. Why didn’t you tell me?  Why couldn’t you tell me. that is all that you had to do. I gave you the chance to tell me. There is no excuse. this is unforgiveable. I can’t. I really can’t. I balled myself up into an armadillo last night. I rocked, I cried, I screamed, I shooked feverishly. I felt possessed. I couldn’t sleep. I don’t understand, help me understand. Please  help me understand… was my love not strong enough for you? Why wasn’t it good enough for you? What didn’t I do? Didn’t you atleast respect me enough to tell me the truth; to tell me to stop loving you?

There is no one. no one else who I can love the way I love you and I don’t want to. I hated myself, I beat myself up. Who is she? Why her? w Where did she come from? she will never love you like I do. she will never know you like I do.  I can guarantee that 100% i’m sure of that 1000%. I always put your happiness first. always. even when I got pregnant you were the second person I called after the “father”. I told you as soon as I knew. I told you as soon as I had a miscarriage. I was always opened and upfront and honest with you. even when you were mad and angry with me but I love you and I shouldn’t have to lie or hide anything from you why couldn’t you o the same to me. you didn’t think this would hurt me? I don’t want to give up but you were my last hope for love. period.  you could’ve told me to stop loving you and I would’ve because that’s what you wanted and it would’ve made you happy. what about me? seriously, this is worst than when we were in Michigan. This is worst than you leaving for china, worst than you fucking white women. Worst than anything I have ever felt. and I can’t deal with this. my soul. my spirit. I ‘m crushed.and I still feel bad, I still worry about you I still worry if she told you or asked you about me. I worried if she got mad and did something to hurt you.

why does this hurt soooooooo bad? I tried so hard. I got up early went to work and tried to run errands. almost died cuz there’s no windshield wipers for tears but I don’t want to be alone. I can’t be home by myself. but I don’t want to be near anyone either. there is nothing for this pain. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t deserve it, not to find out like this, from her and having to play myself and who I am for your sake. it isn’t fair. it is not fair. I love you. I loved you, in every sense of the word. you can’t deny that. that gave of myself freely and willing to move moountains for you. willing to hop on buses and planes to see you.Why couldn’t you just be honest with me? Did I hurt you? What did I do that you couldn’t give me the only things I ever asked for, honesty.  please help me understand. i’m scared. I never wanted to give up on love, you were always the picture of it in my mind and now I feel so alone in the world. no hope to give love to anyone with the passion and fire I have for you.  I just want to stop crying. I want answers. I want truth but I don’t want to be angry and hurt. I don’t want to give up and stop believing in love. that I can give it and receive it. that I am worthy of it and deserve it. I feel numb. but I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be mean and hard. but this just hurts way too much……….. irrevocably broken

Latch’d

Before the world latched on to this song I had latched on to you and this song was the music I needed when you left.. originally 09/25/14.

Oh the feels.  Before this song became the smash it was destined to be, a year and a half earlier it was helping me to understand and express my feelings about you.  It was helping me pack my clothes and sending me to California. It was giving me life and keeping me inspired. It was assisting me in love and never giving up on it. See I knew it then as I know it now. I latched on to you. and to be honest you know you’ve latched on to me whether you wanted to or not. Knowing it was never your intention it happened.  In December you made a confession and asked me a question.  Now it is my turn. Please forgive me but since this is  truly the end of us then I can’t afford to hold anything back.

You had me in ways no other man had me. I dont think any guy can say I’d submit to him the ways I would submit to you. From the day we watched Black Swan where I made you feel the way you made me felt, to the day you cooked for  me  to the day in the shower you made me yours. You owned me and I am not ashamed. I made it clear. Wo An Ni. I LOVE YOU  simply put but don’t ask me how I feel about you ever again. My answer wont be the same it will be just as honest but it wont be the same response. How I felt two weeks ago is completely different than how I feel now. Now I am angry. More angry than hurt. Anger has never been my best look and I hate to feel this way but it is all your fault. I am blaming your for this anger because I really have no idea how to release it.  When I left for California it was because of you. Because you were back In China and because I had absolutely no reason to stay in Michigan. No good memories. They left when you left. It took me some months  maybe 12 but I came to terms with your departure and your silence but I still love you for reasons you will soon know. Then December 2013 happen and I found out you were back in the states. Not in Michigan but here in California. It is easy loving you from a far but why did you have to move so close? Why did you contact me only to hurt and anger me again. I was happy and content thinking you were away and then you dropped the bomb on me.

You made me think I was just fun and a secret to you but then you told me that you asked your parents about me. Of course they told you no to black women and even said that I was too old for you but it made me feel good inside anyway knowing that you even mentioned me to them. It made me think that maybe I did mean more to you. When you told me that you tried dating other girls and it didn’t work because they weren’t me or as passionate as me, that you kept thinking about me that you miss me and worry if you’ll ever feel the same way I made you feel how can my original feelings not come back?

What did you expect my reaction to be?  What did you want me to say or expect to hear? Or was it all just loneliness talking? See it confuses me and that confusion turned to frustration and that frustration turned to anger. You said you don’t want to hurt me and you don’t want to feel like an asshole but it is too late.  You ARE an asshole and I never thought of you that way before until two weeks ago. You told me to come to you in San  Jose and without hesitation I was willing and ready. Any hesitation that you had should’ve been addressed before the weeks prior and not the day of. Could you imagine, did you even think of how that made me feel and just hours before heading to the bus station?  It fucked with my self esteem thoroughly.

Yooooo. Then you insulted me with trying to buy me a gift. What the fuck is a gift gonna do but make me feel worst? I don’t want anything from you. I never did but just to hear you say you love me, to know you love me against all odds. Would you forsake your parents if you knew that you’d never have to worry about anything else in life. Could you trust me enough as I trusted you to the point that you know I would do any and everything within my power to make you happy?

Yes it is a little bit of fear talking but I am scared. Scared that my passion, my fire and my love will die and I will never find anyone that gave me so much life as you did. and for once I am going to be selfish and say if I am who you truly wanted, then you should’ve fought for me. Please don’t deny my feelings and affections for you. Don’t reject the feelings you said you wanted in order to make someone else happy. If I could’ve made you happy then you should’ve let me regardless of what anyone else thought. but because you didn’t, then understand we have nothing else to say to each other.  I don’t want to be bitter and  upset so I’m going to work on that everyday but you made a fool of me.

You never should’ve contacted me. We should’ve just got everything off of chest in December and agreed that it was best to let go of all contact. But to open up healed wounds only to cut deeper is unforgivable. IT IS FUCKIN’ UNFORGIVABLE but because of  what you’ve done for me at one of the absolutely lowest points in my life  I am eternally grateful for you. You were the muse that kept me going strong for the Black woman, Asian male community all these years and I fear that you will continue to be, simply because I’ve latched on to you and I still don’t know what you gift me that made my heart beat out my chest, Chenxiao.

PEACE

Sweet Dreams are made of…

Orig 3/28/13 I’m mad the song that fits my current situation perfectly is sang by someone I don’t particularly care for but hey! that’s life! #ambw #bwam

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-bP58YvGgkYOU CAN BE MY ….

I’m mad the song that fits my current situation perfectly is sang by someone I don’t particularly care for but hey! that’s life! (I can’t seem to find the original music video anywhere but this person did a fairly good job of making up one)

So yes. Here I am savoring these sweet moments. Flashes of our love making, the showers, your hugs and kisses, the dates, the laughs, the open conversations. I swear if I close my eyes tight enough I can feel your arms around me and hear you talking. No matter how tight I close my eyes no sooner than I get these feelings  that  tears fall because I don’t know If I’ll ever get moments likes our ever again. I hold on to these thoughts, wishing, wanting needing them to feel real again. Needing you, cause it feels so good but it hurts. It hurts not physically having you. Knowing you’re continents away. Not knowing if we will ever see each other again or if  someone can create these moments in my life again or if i’ll even let them. I’m scared to let go, they are so sweet and tender and endearing but if I don’t, I feel like Ill just keep stabbing myself with loneliness and longing. Its blissful torture and taunting yet soothes the insecure beast that fears it won’t ever be loved. It’s strange how the sweetest dreams can also be beautiful nightmares. Either way I don’t want to wake up from you Chenxiao.

Dear Mr. Asian Man Part II

*My strength and weakness is my extreme love for honest & raw emotions and feelings. Whether they seem crazy, scary, too sexual, too over the top, whatever! If I feel it, then they are real and deserve to be expressed. For every 1 person that reads and thinks I’m too open, free, wild or ill – there’s 5 more that is reading and saying Thank You, I understand and/or I felt (feel) the same way. Real. Honest. Raw. Yet, written a while ago and I want to get rid of the paper it’s written on,this particular post is no different.

orig5/2/13

Thank You to blackwomanasianmen.tumblr.com and Jacqueline and her bf for this epic hotness!

bwam love

*My strength and weakness is my extreme love for honest &  raw emotions and feelings. Whether they seem crazy, scary, too sexual, too over the top, whatever! If I feel it, then they are real and deserve to be expressed.  For every 1 person that reads and thinks I’m too open, free, wild or ill – there’s 5 more that is reading and saying Thank You, I understand and/or I felt (feel) the same way.  Real. Honest. Raw. Yet, written a while ago and I want to get rid of the paper it’s written on,this particular post is no different.

Dear C.G,

 I have so many unanswered questions. So many things I want to say. I feel so many different emotions; some bad, some good, all real. I’m going to try to get the more pressing ideas out first because everything else is just verbal/written evidence and reasoning.

I know that I said I didn’t feel this way and at first I didn’t  but now I feel so abandoned by you. Not sexually. Okay… well maybe a little sexual but more so emotionally and physically. I feel like you’re ashamed of me, of us as if you didn’t want anyone to know I exist(ed) in your life.  The way you left made me feel like we were less than friends. Like I was the dirty secret that I never wanted to be. And even though we’ve had thiese conversations many times before I feel like I was INDEED your experiment and I hate that feeling. I hate this feeling.

No calls, half a text, no fb message  you wont even Skype me. Why? How am I suppose to feel? What am I suppose to do when you say one thing I so desperately want to believe but what I see and feel is the complete opposite? There is no such thing as too busy. It only takes a minute to say “Hey!” or “I miss you.” or something. You said nothing. Nothing at all and it its sinking in and it is starting to hurt.

Yet I feel you coursing through my veins like fire and ice. My body needs you. I want you.  I want you to want me, want me just as I want you. I want you to let me love you. I love you, I said it and I meant it. You have no idea what I am willing to do to be with you and to be yours. All I dream about is serving you and your family. I want to please you in everyway and make you happy.

BUTTTT I want you.

NO!

I NEED you to know MY worth. That I am prize to be had and that I choose you. I don’t want to give myself up completely to anyone but you. I don’t want to serve anyone but you. I don’t want any man to touch or undress me. I want to make love to you. Passionate. Endearing + Sweet. I don’t want any other man inside of me but you. I don’t want to learn from anyone but from you. I feel that you no longer feel the same way about me that I feel for you. Shit, I don’t know how you feel about me at all anymore babe.

How do you feel about me? Could I ever be yours? Again? Ever?

If not, it’ll be nice to know that,  so I can move on and stop believing that I have someone worth fighting for. but if so, like Aaliyah sings, just let me know

Wo Ai Ni

Golden