My Colored Heart

“Give me something to believe in because I don’t believe in you (bwam) anymore” – Maroon 5 Makes me wonder

If you had been following my escapades then you know it’s been pretty non-existent lol. I haven’t blogged in a while. I took a huge L my birthday weekend in San Jose back in August and been taking little L’s in the dating department since then. I’ve even fucked up and contacted HIM (Chenxiao) twice. Nothing scandalous. Just a, “hey-how-are-things?” kinda text, only to realize we still think about each other. ALOT . But I need NOT to. I needed something to keep my heart from feeling red (angry), blue (sad) and black (apathy/heartless) because lately I’ve been fed up with Asian men.

A little louder, “Give me something to believe in because I don’t believe in you (bwam) anymore”

I had just about given up; on Asian men, the BW/AM community and blogging for the “Honey Love” until two months ago when I happened to be instragramming and found this.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BP8ogI5A9EU/?taken-by=golden_sunrays

coloredhearts

Colored Hearts is a romantic drama about a young interracial couple’s struggle to stay together while facing the challenges of stereotypes and opposition from family and friends.  Written and directed by Robin Johnson (co-director; Somlit Inthalangsy) , who also stars as the leading lady with co-star Kane Lieu as the leading male, Colored Hearts premiered at the Los Angeles Asian Pacific Film Festival this past weekend.

Check out the trailer

Had I found out about this sooner I definitely would’ve tried to make my way on set even if I had to stand outside and give massages to cast and crew just to show my appreciation. But I didn’t,  so I missed production, post production and even the premiere but I did NOT miss the screening Monday so before I get into that, can we talk about the dopeness of all of this right now?

Yes, yes ya’ll this is A Black woman and Asian male as the the main characters film; Not friends of the main characters, not extras, not crime fighting sidekicks but the main characters AND as love interests. Written by a black woman with a personal experience that I could definitely relate to from the past 3-4 years of my life #nextblogpost  #sneakpeak)  ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓

capture_2016-08-18-09-02-34.png.pngcapture_2016-08-18-09-02-50.png.png

lol Let’s continue. The fact it premiered at an Asian Film Festival, says alot. Bringing awareness and opening conversations about black women and interracial dating not just within the black community (which is another dissertation in itself) but to bring that conversation and how it is dealt with and viewed in other communities as well?! Yes! Can you hear the tears welling up in my eyes?

thankyou

This is what I needed to see.  So here I am Monday evening:

20170508_190020
In the back of my Uber Roberto fucking up and got on the wrong freeway smh but I wont let it fuck up my night. There is someplace I need to be tonight. There is something I have to see so Im going. Im scared but Im going. Im nervous but Im going. Im solo but Im going. #ambw #thegreatcompany #coloredhearts blogging will commence soon

At the ‘We Own the 8th’s’ screening  I sat in the back because I know me, I’m emo with a smart ass mouth. I will cry and get mad at the truth at the same time. I was here to erase the hate forming in my heart, to replace it with only one color, Gold. And in less than 10 minutes of viewing Colored Hearts my heart wounds were opening up again yet rejoicing. How great it felt to see my story (or one like it rather) on a screen bigger than my blog. It was more than just  me with my homegirls sharing our experiences over KBBQ. It became more than just a BW/AM thing. It was the years of pain, stereotypes, rejections, mental anguish, comments and judgements from Asian parents, from black men and women, friends, families and strangers being exposed and expressed without me having to say a damn word. The accuracy was on point for real, like emphasis being put on the word “black” before every mention of my being. Things I’m sure most women in the AMBW groups wanted to say but were too afraid to say outside of their clique. I needed this film for my reality sake, except for me, my guy wasn’t engaged, he was married and not even a month after my ultimatum, and it was me on the other side of the door showing up to declare my love. It didn’t open to welcome my love either. Instead I was given the weakest comfort ever via text,capture_2016-08-18-09-07-53.png.pngMy intention was to watch the film and then head home but I stayed and glad that I did. I stayed to the very end and in the end, I was refreshed, inspired and ready to roll up my sleeves and give BW/AM another chance. People trust me when I say,  Colored Hearts is for you.


brandyboo

This is for you.

Because Brandy’s Cinderella wasn’t enough.

 

 

 

 

 


aaliyah-fact-aaliyah-and-jet-li-was-supposed-to-do-15194157

For those Romeo Must Die, Jet Li and Aaliyah  fans that wanted more than that weak ass hug at the end.

This is for you.

 

 

 

 


For those Ninja Assassin lovers like myself (it’s my absolute favorite movie) that get a lil heated when Raizo teases,

“Oh Mika, Mika” and needed them to fall in love. 

This is for you.


For those “Rocketeers ” (that’s what I call myself lol)  that shed a tear every time you hear FarEastMovement’s Rockeeter  and plays the video in your head.

This is for you.

This is for you.

This is the alternative ending you wanted. The one you’ve been asking for

Like, Share and support Colored Hearts.

*And I sincerely pray to all the Chenxiao’s of the world that when you watch this film you’ll feel empowered, fearless and inspired. I hope that you see that you are not alone. I wish that you will become courageous enough to endure for your love and try to understand how the woman feels as well. Trust me, if you are genuine and sincere and willing to fight for her, she will move mountains, wrestle lions and jump out of planes for you. Well atleast I would. I damn near did it for 3 years. Fight. Please. Fight for all the colors of your heart.

With my deepest appreciation and sunrays, 

Golden

*Thank you Robin and everyone that had even a pinky finger in bringing this vision to life.

Fool for You

Marriage isn’t everything, my happiness and freedom is.

 

“Because I played the fool for ya, because I played the fool for you.” – Disclosure F for You

Chenxiao wedding

When you sent me this picture. I died. an instant knife in the chest. I cried because I didn’t want to ask but I couldn’t NOT ask,

“Was this from your wedding?”

I wanted to hate you, and forget you even existed in my life but no matter how much I’d like to think my heartache is all your fault. I can’t. I wouldn’t be honest and that’s something I don’t want anyone to say about me. That I wasn’t honest. So yes, I’ve played the fool for you but worst than you, I played myself. You were the lesson I needed. 

fb_img_1477633776235.jpg


 

 

But for some reason, we just can’t seem to shake each other and let go. We ‘re Latched to each other

So a month ago we met again. I learned of your mother’s death and I yearned to hold you because I knew from the heart wrenching time in San Jose you weren’t being consoled properly and I was right. In fact your wife was going away for three weeks because of what you called, “a fight over something silly.”  Tbh I chuckled inside and said to myself, “See, this wouldn’t be had you chosen me.”  See I still LOVED you, yet I was happy that you were unhappy, happy your mom was gone and now she was out of the way thought if there was a chance you say fucked this marriage and choose me. After a few back and forth messages you asked to see me, of course I said yes, I didn’t think that you would given that I’ve been stood up by you before but YOU DID.   You got off work drove those 6 hours to spend the night with me. It let me know that you DO care and you DO have feelings for me but still I, you, we wouldn’t act on it. We promised each other that we wouldn’t have sex anymore  after San Jose and we didn’t. A part of me wanted to and another part was like nah but then again GOD sent a, another visitor that weekend as well to ensure nothing happened but something did happen. Another lesson I needed to learn:

 You can be married and still lonely. Married and unhappy.

 Here I was envious of your wife. Always wondering who is she, why her, why not me and if she even knew the man she has the pleasure of being with but she doesn’t and my insecurities were for nothing.  She doesn’t love you, she will never love you and yet you will never leave.  It broke my heart the way you held me and didn’t want to let go. Pained me to know you have a wife that doesn’t cuddle or spoon with you. How can you lay down and live with someone that you haven’t touched in months? A simple goodbye kiss and sincere hug made you feel something you’ve never felt before. What does it do for you, how does it help you, to grow to live to be happy? Is that not important to you to be used for stability and not for passion or creativity or inspiration? I promised myself that I won’t end up like you. I have to married for love and not for loneliness.  And as we laid in my bed hands held, facing each other I realized I love you but I don’t, not a forever together type of love. Oh I have so much love for you but I will not give up my happiness for family. for money for whatever possessed you to say yes to something that everything else in your being has told you no to. You made me ok living without you, even though I probably wont..  Fool for ya. Fooled myself. Marriage isn’t everything, my happiness and freedom is.

Do you even?

wpid-img_68724065527588.jpeg

#AMBW Everything about this picture screams YES! Yes to the models. Yes to the Asian man and black women coupling. Yes to both of their fashion. Yes to the pose and yes they should kiss. Her skin looks perfect in contrast to his. ugh! So cute I can’t say that I can’t stand it. This has quickly became one of new favorite BWAM photos and when I get married I will probably reenact this photo with my lucky guy as well! Now ask yourself do you even BWAM?

Dear Mr. Asian Man Part II

*My strength and weakness is my extreme love for honest & raw emotions and feelings. Whether they seem crazy, scary, too sexual, too over the top, whatever! If I feel it, then they are real and deserve to be expressed. For every 1 person that reads and thinks I’m too open, free, wild or ill – there’s 5 more that is reading and saying Thank You, I understand and/or I felt (feel) the same way. Real. Honest. Raw. Yet, written a while ago and I want to get rid of the paper it’s written on,this particular post is no different.

orig5/2/13

Thank You to blackwomanasianmen.tumblr.com and Jacqueline and her bf for this epic hotness!

bwam love

*My strength and weakness is my extreme love for honest &  raw emotions and feelings. Whether they seem crazy, scary, too sexual, too over the top, whatever! If I feel it, then they are real and deserve to be expressed.  For every 1 person that reads and thinks I’m too open, free, wild or ill – there’s 5 more that is reading and saying Thank You, I understand and/or I felt (feel) the same way.  Real. Honest. Raw. Yet, written a while ago and I want to get rid of the paper it’s written on,this particular post is no different.

Dear C.G,

 I have so many unanswered questions. So many things I want to say. I feel so many different emotions; some bad, some good, all real. I’m going to try to get the more pressing ideas out first because everything else is just verbal/written evidence and reasoning.

I know that I said I didn’t feel this way and at first I didn’t  but now I feel so abandoned by you. Not sexually. Okay… well maybe a little sexual but more so emotionally and physically. I feel like you’re ashamed of me, of us as if you didn’t want anyone to know I exist(ed) in your life.  The way you left made me feel like we were less than friends. Like I was the dirty secret that I never wanted to be. And even though we’ve had thiese conversations many times before I feel like I was INDEED your experiment and I hate that feeling. I hate this feeling.

No calls, half a text, no fb message  you wont even Skype me. Why? How am I suppose to feel? What am I suppose to do when you say one thing I so desperately want to believe but what I see and feel is the complete opposite? There is no such thing as too busy. It only takes a minute to say “Hey!” or “I miss you.” or something. You said nothing. Nothing at all and it its sinking in and it is starting to hurt.

Yet I feel you coursing through my veins like fire and ice. My body needs you. I want you.  I want you to want me, want me just as I want you. I want you to let me love you. I love you, I said it and I meant it. You have no idea what I am willing to do to be with you and to be yours. All I dream about is serving you and your family. I want to please you in everyway and make you happy.

BUTTTT I want you.

NO!

I NEED you to know MY worth. That I am prize to be had and that I choose you. I don’t want to give myself up completely to anyone but you. I don’t want to serve anyone but you. I don’t want any man to touch or undress me. I want to make love to you. Passionate. Endearing + Sweet. I don’t want any other man inside of me but you. I don’t want to learn from anyone but from you. I feel that you no longer feel the same way about me that I feel for you. Shit, I don’t know how you feel about me at all anymore babe.

How do you feel about me? Could I ever be yours? Again? Ever?

If not, it’ll be nice to know that,  so I can move on and stop believing that I have someone worth fighting for. but if so, like Aaliyah sings, just let me know

Wo Ai Ni

Golden

Response: Are Asian men undateable?

“I must answer the question head on first before going into anything else. Are Asian men undateable? No They are NOT undateable. I don’t think a specific race & gender can be undateable, less desired maybe but not undateable. Besides, that term can be labeled pretty much on any individual who’s personality just isn’t suited for a relationship at the moment and we (they) know who they are”

orig. 11/23/13

I saw this article.

I read this article

And then I reread this article.

I thought, “hmm interesting.” Is that right? Should I respond?

Yea, these men have the right to know.

asian male

So here is my response to Justin Chan’s 11/20/13  PolicyMic article “Are Asian Men Undateable?” 

Wait! Darn. I said I read and reread it but now I have to reread because instead of giving my opinion I forgot to determine:

A. If this was a legitimate question posed to the public to be answered honestly or

B. If the article was the authors’ supporting evidence and answer to the question and/or

C. If there was even a consensus reached as to whether or not they are.   <—— This means I’ll have to read the dreaded, overly sensitive, highly opinionated comments.

(I abhor reading peoples comments )

Ok give me a minute sorry guys I’ll be right back…..


implied face palm

Well, like I said I mickey fricky abhor the comments section. AS usual, people are eager to throw out the first bit of BS that comes to their minds. Why do we always have to look for 1 thing to pick on and make a mountain of it? Why cant the focus be on the whole article or on the fact this is coming from an Asian man about other Asian men? How can we be angry  at someone’s genuine experience and their personal references? We just can’t please everybody but leave your opinion to yourself or write you own post on your own page. And yea there are a few things I disagree with but overall it is NOT that deep people.

Anyways without further ado here is my response:

I must answer the question head on first before going into anything else. Are Asian men undateable? No They are NOT undateable.  I don’t think a specific race & gender can be undateable, less desired maybe but not undateable. Besides, that term can be labeled pretty much on any individual  who’s personality just isn’t suited for a relationship at the moment and we (they) know who they are.  So to be very direct I want to say that Asian men are the most dateable race for me right now. I’ve been apart of the Black Women Asian Men  (BWAM) community for about 4 years. I’ve been to Canada, Maryland, of course my hometown Detroit, MI  where I dated my first Asian and now LA for the BW/AM community. Yes I’ve experienced the good and the bad but that is what my BWAM  section is for, I really don’t want to make this an all Black women Asian male relations type of response.

So perhaps the main and quasi only issue with the post for me is the term “undateable”  something else could’ve better fit it but it doesn’t make me want to scream and lose my head in the comments sections. Other than that what makes me a little upset is the B.S excuse I’ve been hearing these past years about

 1.) The emasculate depiction of Asian men in the media and

2. As his black female friend stated, “Asian men, along with black women, are probably the least desirable people.” I have never heard either of these ironically until I joined the BW/AM groups. The later has been used as the “perfect’ reason for our gender and races to start looking at one another as prospects but that is a very weak argument to go on. Even if it is true, we shouldn’t be each others last resort.  And who in the world (cough America*) is telling the Asian males this stuff? The Media? Ha! We knew they have never been our best friend so why should their opinion even matter? You can choose to believe who and what you want but the opinion of other people who are NOT in control of my life does NOT matter, they are NOT a credible source.

Asian men, You are dateable and maybe because I don’t watch TV I never notice the stereotypical Asian male role and I apologize for not realizing the effect it has on you.  I thought the Asian guy on the Matheletes team in Mean Girls was hot,

asianmathlete

I won’t be completely ignorant so I’ll admit it now that it has been brought to my attention  I do realize that Asian males are portrayed in this manner and you guys don’t like it but I can’t help it if I’m attracted to this. I am not the only one and if you really want to find these women we aren’t that hard to find. There are underground railroads that will lead to these women of all races just for you lol. You just have to be open  for friendships or any kind of relationships and  fellas, as my ex Asian bf showed me; please try not to have the Asian straight face so much.

straight face

 Now that ^^ is  intimidating (yet manly) so I get confused a lot  I don’t know if its ok to approach or not.

 Sorry if you guys don’t understand that they are plenty of women who love and value you in this way. And I’m sorry there are plenty of women who don’t understand just how sexy your intelligence, perseverance and diligence is. That these qualities and more make you more than just dateable but optimal marriage material.  I have never seen Asian men as  “weaklings”. America, the home of the brave, the land of the free and country of major denial tends to value some of the wrong things. What is considered attractive here is often confused as manly but it isn’t really manly. But you quiet, confidently bold, strong, education and family focused men who don’t have to dick swing to prove you are a man have always been on my radar. So I apologize that others are blind to what it really takes to be a man but you shouldn’t let them led to believe that you are something you are not. Who can tell you more about yourself than you? I really find it hard for the online dating sites to be accurate in their findings. This is America people! we will sway the judgment in anyway we want to which is usually less favorable of people of color and spew it out as the honest to GOD truth.  I won’t say never mind your female counterparts and their seemingly widely accepted social status but just know that I am looking at you, the Asian guy with the confidence to wear bold colors, dances hip hop with the best of them, speaks two or more languages fluently and studies chemistry for hours on end. You are dateable. You are (as corny as it is about to sound) what ever YOU say you are. YOU attract whoever you want to attract. YOU don’t need the validation of people who purposely depicts you as “soft” or negatively judges you based on stereotypes (because they know like I know your silent strength scares them) America is practically owned by China but that’s another post I won’t get into.

I hope this helped or at least made you smile a little.

Love,

Golden