I am convinced that in another life I am Annalise Keating or she is me, my untold story.
Last night in class I was the lawyer Annalise, debating why it was ok to have a drink and drive and then this morning, I’m the Annalise in an AA meeting telling myself I don’t belong here and only doing this because it is mandated for a bigger goal.
While I’m appearing to be collected and in control of my life while putting off a hardcore demeanor trying to get everyone else in line I am really far more messed up than every one else around me. I even took a hammer to two of my old laptops that I wanted to get rid off. Which by the way was a lot harder than what Connor made it seem. Maybe I need a bigger hammer?
Not to mention needing to be with someone and wanting to be loved but used to being alone that I push and pull people away at my convenience.
and while I haven’t physically killed anyone either I can be just as manipulative in making people release information to me that I need without spilling too much of my own. My poker game is A1 and I can pull someone’s card with the quickness or wait until the time is right to do so. Maybe Golden brings out my inner Annalise hmmmm?
Isn’t there a little Annalise Keating in us all?
Anyway, these are just a few random thoughts as the new season of How to get Away with Murder is about to start next week. Are you ready?! ( I mean WHO killed Wes?) What are your theories? Frank would make the most sense but I’m sticking with Meggy because why else would she still be around?
I need yall to groove with me on this one. Feel it deep in your heart. I bet you an instantaneous head bop, then shoulder shrugs followed by hip wiggles. Shit, I was tempted to hit a few two steps and if im energized maybe a windmill or two. I swear whenever Rudimental and MNEK get together it is gonna be fire. Dont believe me?
This has been biting at me all weekend. I knew it was going to happen eventually and I had been putting this off for months and avoided sex for just as long. I knew what I wanted and even though he provided this the most for me it became a matter of gaining the strength to do so and knowing who I want and what I deserve. I had to be honest with myself and end our 3 year on and off sexual relationship. So I’ve been agonizing over this, asking if I made the right decision, mostly because now I am 100% free from guys and there is no cushion or anyone to fall back on
I want a relationship. A REAL boyfriend, one that leads to marriage and this epiphany requires its’ own blog in itself but B and I knew for years it wasn’t going to happen between us, his parents simply wouldn’t accept me and yet somehow we couldn’t stay away from each other. We had a few issues and fucked up situations in which we were able to talk through and clearly get over but a genuine friendship and respect for one another grew. Right now I have to be firm in this decision. B gets me. He’s the only one that understands me sexually, allows me to try different things and not make me feel slutty for them. We are comfortable around one another and since we are in similar careers at the the moment we vibe on a professional level. I love how he gives as equally as he receives. Yes we actually meet up just to exchange massages with one another sometimes. Where am I going to find someone like that? AND get great cuddles and just lay next to, on top of knowing that the sex will be amazing, not to mention to be someone I’ve met on Tinder 3 years ago and we still talk? Yes, our relationship is a rare Californian find but at the same time I can’t continue to be disrespectful; to him and more importantly myself.
How rude of me is to string him along for months, making excuses not to have sex just to be cuddled and massaged when I’m lonely. How disrespectful of me to reduce him to a place holder until I can find someone I like. I knew I wanted something serious prior to sending the text, I even knew I didn’t want anything serious with him, how rude of me right? How rude of me to only hold on to someone because I’m afraid I won’t find it anywhere else. I kept lying to myself thinking I’m complacent and happy when we both knew I deserve more. I want something real. Someone that isn’t afraid to tell mom/dad/friends about me and doesn’t have to leave at 3am in the morning. He knew it too. and that’s what sucks most of all. Someone knows my worth but still not willing to fight for me; to be constantly told, “oh you’re so cool, chill and real. You deserve, A,B and C but just not by me.” or “One day someone will love you and he would be a lucky man.” Bullshit like that. Makes me wonder if I’m really worth it all or if those are just words used to soften a blow. It can mess with your mind which makes it harder to leave situations. Is better really out there? and how can I know for sure without completely disconnecting my self from comfort.
So after 3 years I’m admitting it to myself: I am ready for a relationship. I want a friendship that turns into dating that turns into marriage with kids and a life of submission, devotion and raw unfiltered love. I deserve it, at all cost.
It’s December 17th. Are you in the holiday spirit yet?
No. It is a no for me. Holidays for me will always mean “family” and here in California I don’t have family, no Mom, Dad, Kai or Dria; just me so no. I’m not in the holiday spirit. However, this week I am in a familial reminiscent spirit, a nostalgic spirit, I’m in a promising uplifted spirit.
Earlier this week, I was invited to see the Christmas Lights in Torrance and my eyes light up. I was gushing over the neighborhood, the contrasts and complexities of the homes, the familiar feels and landscapes more than their Christmas lights display. It took me back to going to open houses with my parents and listen to my mom describe her perfect house and the qualities shes loves and look out for. I began imaging living in those homes, going to Ikea, picking out furniture with my husband. I imagined raising a family there. Torrance will always be one of those cities perfect to retire and raise a family to me. So when he turned to me and ask,” Are you in the holiday spirit, I paused before answering.
No, but thank you. I needed this.
Same thing a few days later when I was invited to the Nutcracker ballet with friends from church. Even then I was more Bah Humbug! than Happy Holidays. Sitting there in that auditorium during intermission watching the families all I could think about was my love for dance and how my whole family would get dressed up and go to performances and plays. I was thinking forward on being a mom and a wife and being able to take my children to see ballets and piano concerts etc. It restored my need for creative avenues and nostalgic of family time like watching the Rockettes. I dreamt of future days where it was me zipping up coats and holding hands with my little ones, watching pirouettes and arabesques bring smiles and bright crinkled eyes to their faces. I needed this. This was a wake up call from denial from trying to convince myself I don’t want children and that I enjoy polyandry. I needed to be reminded of family, to be reminded of what i deserve, the environment I came from and what I am able to still achieve.Gave me some things to look forward to in the future. I’m thankful for all of the lights that came in forms of suppressed memories to open up my dark heart again. So yes. Now I am in the holiday spirit.