My Colored Heart

“Give me something to believe in because I don’t believe in you (bwam) anymore” – Maroon 5 Makes me wonder

If you had been following my escapades then you know it’s been pretty non-existent lol. I haven’t blogged in a while. I took a huge L my birthday weekend in San Jose back in August and been taking little L’s in the dating department since then. I’ve even fucked up and contacted HIM (Chenxiao) twice. Nothing scandalous. Just a, “hey-how-are-things?” kinda text, only to realize we still think about each other. ALOT . But I need NOT to. I needed something to keep my heart from feeling red (angry), blue (sad) and black (apathy/heartless) because lately I’ve been fed up with Asian men.

A little louder, “Give me something to believe in because I don’t believe in you (bwam) anymore”

I had just about given up; on Asian men, the BW/AM community and blogging for the “Honey Love” until two months ago when I happened to be instragramming and found this.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BP8ogI5A9EU/?taken-by=golden_sunrays

coloredhearts

Colored Hearts is a romantic drama about a young interracial couple’s struggle to stay together while facing the challenges of stereotypes and opposition from family and friends.  Written and directed by Robin Johnson (co-director; Somlit Inthalangsy) , who also stars as the leading lady with co-star Kane Lieu as the leading male, Colored Hearts premiered at the Los Angeles Asian Pacific Film Festival this past weekend.

Check out the trailer

Had I found out about this sooner I definitely would’ve tried to make my way on set even if I had to stand outside and give massages to cast and crew just to show my appreciation. But I didn’t,  so I missed production, post production and even the premiere but I did NOT miss the screening Monday so before I get into that, can we talk about the dopeness of all of this right now?

Yes, yes ya’ll this is A Black woman and Asian male as the the main characters film; Not friends of the main characters, not extras, not crime fighting sidekicks but the main characters AND as love interests. Written by a black woman with a personal experience that I could definitely relate to from the past 3-4 years of my life #nextblogpost  #sneakpeak)  ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓    ⇓

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lol Let’s continue. The fact it premiered at an Asian Film Festival, says alot. Bringing awareness and opening conversations about black women and interracial dating not just within the black community (which is another dissertation in itself) but to bring that conversation and how it is dealt with and viewed in other communities as well?! Yes! Can you hear the tears welling up in my eyes?

thankyou

This is what I needed to see.  So here I am Monday evening:

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In the back of my Uber Roberto fucking up and got on the wrong freeway smh but I wont let it fuck up my night. There is someplace I need to be tonight. There is something I have to see so Im going. Im scared but Im going. Im nervous but Im going. Im solo but Im going. #ambw #thegreatcompany #coloredhearts blogging will commence soon

At the ‘We Own the 8th’s’ screening  I sat in the back because I know me, I’m emo with a smart ass mouth. I will cry and get mad at the truth at the same time. I was here to erase the hate forming in my heart, to replace it with only one color, Gold. And in less than 10 minutes of viewing Colored Hearts my heart wounds were opening up again yet rejoicing. How great it felt to see my story (or one like it rather) on a screen bigger than my blog. It was more than just  me with my homegirls sharing our experiences over KBBQ. It became more than just a BW/AM thing. It was the years of pain, stereotypes, rejections, mental anguish, comments and judgements from Asian parents, from black men and women, friends, families and strangers being exposed and expressed without me having to say a damn word. The accuracy was on point for real, like emphasis being put on the word “black” before every mention of my being. Things I’m sure most women in the AMBW groups wanted to say but were too afraid to say outside of their clique. I needed this film for my reality sake, except for me, my guy wasn’t engaged, he was married and not even a month after my ultimatum, and it was me on the other side of the door showing up to declare my love. It didn’t open to welcome my love either. Instead I was given the weakest comfort ever via text,capture_2016-08-18-09-07-53.png.pngMy intention was to watch the film and then head home but I stayed and glad that I did. I stayed to the very end and in the end, I was refreshed, inspired and ready to roll up my sleeves and give BW/AM another chance. People trust me when I say,  Colored Hearts is for you.


brandyboo

This is for you.

Because Brandy’s Cinderella wasn’t enough.

 

 

 

 

 


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For those Romeo Must Die, Jet Li and Aaliyah  fans that wanted more than that weak ass hug at the end.

This is for you.

 

 

 

 


For those Ninja Assassin lovers like myself (it’s my absolute favorite movie) that get a lil heated when Raizo teases,

“Oh Mika, Mika” and needed them to fall in love. 

This is for you.


For those “Rocketeers ” (that’s what I call myself lol)  that shed a tear every time you hear FarEastMovement’s Rockeeter  and plays the video in your head.

This is for you.

This is for you.

This is the alternative ending you wanted. The one you’ve been asking for

Like, Share and support Colored Hearts.

*And I sincerely pray to all the Chenxiao’s of the world that when you watch this film you’ll feel empowered, fearless and inspired. I hope that you see that you are not alone. I wish that you will become courageous enough to endure for your love and try to understand how the woman feels as well. Trust me, if you are genuine and sincere and willing to fight for her, she will move mountains, wrestle lions and jump out of planes for you. Well atleast I would. I damn near did it for 3 years. Fight. Please. Fight for all the colors of your heart.

With my deepest appreciation and sunrays, 

Golden

*Thank you Robin and everyone that had even a pinky finger in bringing this vision to life.

Fool for You

Marriage isn’t everything, my happiness and freedom is.

 

“Because I played the fool for ya, because I played the fool for you.” – Disclosure F for You

Chenxiao wedding

When you sent me this picture. I died. an instant knife in the chest. I cried because I didn’t want to ask but I couldn’t NOT ask,

“Was this from your wedding?”

I wanted to hate you, and forget you even existed in my life but no matter how much I’d like to think my heartache is all your fault. I can’t. I wouldn’t be honest and that’s something I don’t want anyone to say about me. That I wasn’t honest. So yes, I’ve played the fool for you but worst than you, I played myself. You were the lesson I needed. 

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But for some reason, we just can’t seem to shake each other and let go. We ‘re Latched to each other

So a month ago we met again. I learned of your mother’s death and I yearned to hold you because I knew from the heart wrenching time in San Jose you weren’t being consoled properly and I was right. In fact your wife was going away for three weeks because of what you called, “a fight over something silly.”  Tbh I chuckled inside and said to myself, “See, this wouldn’t be had you chosen me.”  See I still LOVED you, yet I was happy that you were unhappy, happy your mom was gone and now she was out of the way thought if there was a chance you say fucked this marriage and choose me. After a few back and forth messages you asked to see me, of course I said yes, I didn’t think that you would given that I’ve been stood up by you before but YOU DID.   You got off work drove those 6 hours to spend the night with me. It let me know that you DO care and you DO have feelings for me but still I, you, we wouldn’t act on it. We promised each other that we wouldn’t have sex anymore  after San Jose and we didn’t. A part of me wanted to and another part was like nah but then again GOD sent a, another visitor that weekend as well to ensure nothing happened but something did happen. Another lesson I needed to learn:

 You can be married and still lonely. Married and unhappy.

 Here I was envious of your wife. Always wondering who is she, why her, why not me and if she even knew the man she has the pleasure of being with but she doesn’t and my insecurities were for nothing.  She doesn’t love you, she will never love you and yet you will never leave.  It broke my heart the way you held me and didn’t want to let go. Pained me to know you have a wife that doesn’t cuddle or spoon with you. How can you lay down and live with someone that you haven’t touched in months? A simple goodbye kiss and sincere hug made you feel something you’ve never felt before. What does it do for you, how does it help you, to grow to live to be happy? Is that not important to you to be used for stability and not for passion or creativity or inspiration? I promised myself that I won’t end up like you. I have to married for love and not for loneliness.  And as we laid in my bed hands held, facing each other I realized I love you but I don’t, not a forever together type of love. Oh I have so much love for you but I will not give up my happiness for family. for money for whatever possessed you to say yes to something that everything else in your being has told you no to. You made me ok living without you, even though I probably wont..  Fool for ya. Fooled myself. Marriage isn’t everything, my happiness and freedom is.

Irrevocably broken

I can’t. I’m not even going to try.  I’m 100% going through it. I am hurt. I am broken. shattered to pieces. I don’t know to feel. I thought I had experience all kinds of hurt this year but this … It’s like a game of UNO and my opponent has  every draw 4, wild, skip you and reverse card. You hurt me. you hurt me. you hurt me you hurt me. is there is no brisket, no sauna, no arms to run to, no prayer, no sorrys, no songs to dance to that can help me. heal me. every fiber in my bone loves you. that was never a secret, you knew that. you knew 3 years ago, 5 months ago when you asked how I felt if you were to appear before me, you knew in august when you said you’ll feel  like you’ll be alone forever and if probably would never leave if you can back to cali with me. you knew it 2 months ago when you asked for my address to visit and you certainly knew it a month ago when you texted and checked in on me when I told i was trying to let you go. I told you if you were not married or dating  to come to me and let me love you completely. that was your chance.

 A month ago. That was your motherfuckin’ chance. and I was doing good but my heart still pulls to you so I texted you and your wife answered. she  says you’ve been married for a month. A month though? Was this before or after I told you how I felt. She asked me how do I know her husband. I died. I fuckin died. she shot me. kept shooting with those words, “wife” and “my husband” and I couldn’t believe it but my dumbass still loves you. So I told her I was an old friend from Michigan and that she didn’t have to worry about me. I played myself again for your happiness, for my love for you. because I didn’t want her yelling and screaming at you. I didn’t want to cause trouble or drama in your life but what about me? It was exactly a month ago when we had our conversation. you knew about martin. you knew about Phillip. You knew how I was hurt and didn’t want to be hurt but you did it anyway. Why didn’t you tell me?  Why couldn’t you tell me. that is all that you had to do. I gave you the chance to tell me. There is no excuse. this is unforgiveable. I can’t. I really can’t. I balled myself up into an armadillo last night. I rocked, I cried, I screamed, I shooked feverishly. I felt possessed. I couldn’t sleep. I don’t understand, help me understand. Please  help me understand… was my love not strong enough for you? Why wasn’t it good enough for you? What didn’t I do? Didn’t you atleast respect me enough to tell me the truth; to tell me to stop loving you?

There is no one. no one else who I can love the way I love you and I don’t want to. I hated myself, I beat myself up. Who is she? Why her? w Where did she come from? she will never love you like I do. she will never know you like I do.  I can guarantee that 100% i’m sure of that 1000%. I always put your happiness first. always. even when I got pregnant you were the second person I called after the “father”. I told you as soon as I knew. I told you as soon as I had a miscarriage. I was always opened and upfront and honest with you. even when you were mad and angry with me but I love you and I shouldn’t have to lie or hide anything from you why couldn’t you o the same to me. you didn’t think this would hurt me? I don’t want to give up but you were my last hope for love. period.  you could’ve told me to stop loving you and I would’ve because that’s what you wanted and it would’ve made you happy. what about me? seriously, this is worst than when we were in Michigan. This is worst than you leaving for china, worst than you fucking white women. Worst than anything I have ever felt. and I can’t deal with this. my soul. my spirit. I ‘m crushed.and I still feel bad, I still worry about you I still worry if she told you or asked you about me. I worried if she got mad and did something to hurt you.

why does this hurt soooooooo bad? I tried so hard. I got up early went to work and tried to run errands. almost died cuz there’s no windshield wipers for tears but I don’t want to be alone. I can’t be home by myself. but I don’t want to be near anyone either. there is nothing for this pain. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t deserve it, not to find out like this, from her and having to play myself and who I am for your sake. it isn’t fair. it is not fair. I love you. I loved you, in every sense of the word. you can’t deny that. that gave of myself freely and willing to move moountains for you. willing to hop on buses and planes to see you.Why couldn’t you just be honest with me? Did I hurt you? What did I do that you couldn’t give me the only things I ever asked for, honesty.  please help me understand. i’m scared. I never wanted to give up on love, you were always the picture of it in my mind and now I feel so alone in the world. no hope to give love to anyone with the passion and fire I have for you.  I just want to stop crying. I want answers. I want truth but I don’t want to be angry and hurt. I don’t want to give up and stop believing in love. that I can give it and receive it. that I am worthy of it and deserve it. I feel numb. but I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be mean and hard. but this just hurts way too much……….. irrevocably broken

The Holtzclaw reality

Originally 12/11/15
“We wrestled for about 7 minutes before my roommate came out to do something in the kitchen. He finally gave up and left, saying you really don’t want to have sex with me? As if I was the problem because when you’re a black woman that likes Asian guys it’s preposterous to tell one no….”

No means no unless you’re a black woman. You are not allowed to explore your sexuality freely and still ask for respect because you are a whore, easy to score, and made yourself an open invite to be raped. but it isn’t rape. Nope,  you’ve asked for it, you’ve begged for it because you do not have a say in your matter. Society does. And Society says that as a black woman, you have no sexual rights. You and your body is an experiment for everyone to hypothesize over, everyone but you. And society has determined you are an extreme sex-driven creature whose desires are not limited to verbal consent. Your presence, appearance and body gives unsolicited approval. Sex is the only thing we have to offer, we crave it, need it and exude it even when we are fully covered like Eskimos. So why should we say no? Why would  we say no? How can we act dignified when we have no real worth? How dare us?   Society tells us, no one will believe us when we say we’ve been sexually offended in anyway because it is all that we have of “value” and we are probably lying.  This is the lesson I’ve been refusing to acknowledge until now. 

If you live under a rock or under the shield of ignorance you can read about the trial and sentencing here. Let me sum it up for you: A former Oklahomian half white and half Japanese cop raped and sexually assaulted 13 black women while on duty and for some reason there is debate as to if he is a rapist or being framed by random women with an agenda AND if should be punished or not. This face is priceless. I enjoy this almost as much as he enjoyed screwing over black women  those crocodile, bumbling tears will get no sympathy or academy award from me because the truth of the matter is, he never thought he would be sentenced so severely or sentenced at all because his victims were black women.

dh

This case hits home on so many levels: from being an advocate of black women and Asian male relationships, from  police sexual assault and just because  I am a black woman, who has been held at a gun point to suck a dick. I’m no journalist so don’t expect a politically correct, well written article. No. Expect an invitation to reflect and discuss the cold hard truth from my reality.

Rewind two weeks ago: After talking to a guy for some time and hanging out face to face twice I invited him over not for Netflix and chill but for a clear Ninja Assassin and popcorn movie night. I thought I made that very clear but how did he take it? As an invitation to sex. You just want to watch Raizo fight with the Ozunu clan and he wants to rub on titties. I moved his hand away and instead he grabs my hand and places it on his crouch asking me to feel it. I pull away and he grabs it again and holds it there. Pulls his dick out and luckily my cat Minx was in his face but he grabs her and throws her off the couch.  (my reaction to that  is a different story) I used her distraction to adjust my position on the couch and said to him to calmly and sternly,”I just wanted to watch Ninja Assassin and eat popcorn. That’s it, nothing more.” He persisted. When I repeatedly said no sex, that my roommate was there and that I was going to start my period soon so I had a tampon in, it wasn’t enough.  They were seen as excuses. Excuses he didn’t believe, therefore for the first time in a long time I had to fight a guy off of me. I was surprised by my own strength. From trying to pin my arms behind me to even digging in my vaginal area trying to pull the tampon out. (His words were “Move, let me see”) I flashed back to JayR.(see below) We wrestled for about 7 minutes before my roommate came out to do something in the kitchen. He finally gave up and left, saying you really don’t want to have sex with me?  As if I was the problem because when you’re a black woman that likes Asian guys it’s preposterous to tell one no.

Rewind to 2008: I’ve told this before but it is still relevant because rape isn’t always with a stranger. There is rape within relationships. I’ll never forget when my boyfriend at the time JayR  gave me two options: suck his dick or die. I smacked the gun out of my face because I thought he was playing but he brought it back up quickly and threw me on the bed. He dugged his nails into the flesh of pussy as I tried to get up. He dug deeper as tears steamed down my face and twisted the skin until I relented. I can remember how he laughed and smiled as I squirmed underneath his pain. Mad crazy how two years later when I ran into him again, there was no apology just his reasoning that he was young then so I should let it go. Because as a black woman in a relationship sex should be given without protest and when it isn’t, to take it isn’t considered rape. You’re that man’s property and should let it go 😦

Rewind to about 2006- 2009: when I was a hot ass mess dealing with the wrong people and getting into trouble for the littlest stupidest things, like being in a park after hours so the cops asks you for sexual favors to avoid being ticketed. Although, I was sitting in a car listening to music with a guy friend, the cop assumed we were about to or had already had sex. I overheard him asking D, “How was it?” He even asked me if he could sample what he assumed I gave D. Yea that shit is real and in the DPD it is even joked about.  I asked for the ticket, letting the cop know my dad works at the precinct it was assigned to.  He asked for my last name again, gave me the ticket,  showed up to the hearing and dismissed it. The cop asked for a hug and on the way out the door even the judge said, “Woah, woah woah, not in here,  wait until you get outside” They both laughed and only  because my dad was outside waiting did I give the officer a hug and my thanks. I don’t think my dad realized how much his job really saved me in many ways. If he wasn’t an employee I’m pretty sure I’ve would’ve been an embarrassing episode of Cops Gone Wild. Lucky me but  I can only imagine how many other women that cop who ticketed me gave that offer too. He was young, handsome and had power to give a complete innocent person a record. Just like Daniel Holtzclaw.

Whether by a Black man, Asian man or police officer the truth is the rape and sexual assault of black women happens, a lot more than we know or like to think it does. This is just three cases in my life and I’m only 28. Not many people knew about these events and when I have told I didn’t receive the best responses or encouraging words. It’s never ok to say you gotta be careful before you ask are you okay? It’s not cool to find out what you’ve told someone in privacy been told to others. It’s definitely not cool to tell someone to just get over it or forget about it. No comments about how they’re dressed or look, those things shouldn’t even  matter. I am a lot stronger than I think but there are females who aren’t as strong as I am. Women who might have considered suicide or harboring mental illnesses from incidents like these.  Our reactions to claims from black women needs to change. We are not crying wolf. We are victims and should be treated as such. We required empathy and support. We need to be able to know we can come forward and talk about these issues without judgement, disbelief and side eyes. It isn’t gossip or news of the week. It should not be taken lightly or ignored. It took me a long time to admit these things because I pushed them out of my mind but I shouldn’t had too A case like this shouldn’t have happen in order for me to feel so much compassion. I should’ve been advocating for black women bodies a lot sooner. I am hoping that this case and his sentence is an eye opener to America and an eye softener to the (mis)treatment of black women.